Reminiscing with and about witch cats

Christmas doesn't have to be the only holiday season during which one is nostalgic.  Here are Sammy and a witch cat recalling bygone Halloweens earlier this month:

Sammy had just finished saying, "I tell ya, witch cat, kittens today don't appreciate Halloween the way I did when I was younger.  I have yet to meet a kitten with a calico sister like mine who, through sheer force of will, could confer with witch cats to carry out any spell she desired."

"She was a dedicated collaborator," the witch cat agreed.  "Once the other witch cats, Rosie, and I hammered out a spell, we knew it would be executed as planned.  Things haven't been the same these last three years without her.  We're thankful for the memories, though."  Here's one such memory from 2006:

"Rosie was always concerned about security when we discussed our spells," the witch cat continued.  "She'd check the pumpkin patch frequently to make sure no interlopers were listening to our plans."

Such is the way of a dedicated, collaborative calico.  Here's hoping the enjoyable Halloween memories from your life will come back to you tonight and in future Halloweens.

Who will answer the door this Halloween?

If you don't feel up to greeting trick-or-treaters this Halloween, witch cats might be willing to handle it for you.  Here are three witch cats waiting for the doorbell to ring in 2005.  When trick-or-treaters rang the bell, the witch cats flew over to the door, opened it, and doled out candy:

Steppin' out in style for Halloween

2003: Witch cats posing in their finest Halloween garb.

Considering they're wearing their most flattering hats and pumpkins, I don't doubt that these three witch cats will rake in the treats this Halloween.

A linguistic irritant XXIII

When recalling something he'd said to a student, a former high school teacher would always say, "My statement to them was..." I often felt like responding, "What's wrong with saying, "I said," or "I replied?"

Can't fool someone who worked here

At my previous sports data gathering job, a former employee called in his team's game stats. 

"I'm apprehensive about talking to you," I joked.  "After all, you know us for what we are."

"A quality organization," he deadpanned.  "Nothing wrong with that."

Truth in advertising? X

Per the directions, it's time for me to chew two of these One-A-Day vitamins...

...To balance things, I'll probably learn that these twice-baked potatoes were only cooked once.

Feeling down?

Witch cats are sympathetic listeners, as Sammy discovered in this photo from 2014.

A scarecrow's Halloween greeting

I knew someone who, about 20 years ago, welcomed trick-or-treaters in his own unique way.  After dressing up as a scarecrow, he buried himself in straw on the porch swing.  When trick-or-treaters walked onto the porch, he jumped out of his straw fort and shouted, "Happy Halloween!!!!!!"

That's what a Halloween scare should be--all in fun with no malice.

A witch cat trio's best costumes

2016: Witch cats discussing possible Halloween costumes.

Yesterday, I saw the witch cats having the same discussion they'd had last year.

"What Halloween costumes should we choose this year?" a witch cat asked.

One of them suggested going as pelicans.

"People wouldn't expect that from us," the witch cat reasoned.  "Even people who wear bird costumes don't usually dress as pelicans.  It's even more unusual for witch cats to do that."

"We could go as a mariachi trio," another witch cat chimed in.  "We've already bought the sombreros, and we're reasonably proficient on our instruments."

The first witch cat sighed.

"Realistically, you know what would be easiest, though?" he asked the the other two.

"If we just go as ourselves again this year?" one of them responded.

"Yes," he replied.  "This is everyday garb for us, but to the rest of the world, we're in costume."

So, it's resolved.  If you're in the right place at the right time this Halloween, you'll see three witch cats trick-or-treating as themselves.

Only in college VIII

A college friend, introducing me to one of her friends, said, "This is Drew.  Doesn't he look like Jesus?  I think he looks like Jesus."  Her friend took a long, considered look at me.  She finally said, "I'm not sure. He doesn't quite have the Jesus nose."

To this day, that's the only time I've heard anyone utter the phrase, "the Jesus nose."  I wouldn't even dream of comparing myself to Jesus, so it's a relief to know that my nose got me off the hook from being expected to perform miracles, promise heavenly rewards to the well-behaved, and mete out justice by turning grievous offenders into pillars of salt.  I had enough on my plate with 18 credit hours that semester anyway.

Wondering about this quartet's agenda

After taking this photo in 2006, I wondered what plans these four cats might have been hatching.  Family calico Rosie never told me, and the witch cats have stayed silent on the matter all these years. I'm choosing to believe there was no nefarious intent.  Most likely, they were just having a chat.

"Not in my church!"

You wouldn't think that shaking hands would be objectionable.  The former pastor of a church I attended in the '80s, however, almost always skipped the portion of Mass in which the priest says, "Let us offer each other the sign of peace."  Traditionally, congregants turn to each other and shake hands at that point. 

Only once do I remember the pastor relenting.  I'm guessing it was out of respect for a visiting priest who was sitting in at Mass.  Even then, however, he couldn't bring himself to read the sentence as written.  Instead, he said, "If you'll vow to each other a sign of peace, please..."

That was his compromise.  A vow was permissible, but not a handshake.  I'm surprised he didn't say, "If you'll nod ever so slightly to each other a sign of peace, please..."

A linguistic irritant XXII

I'll admit that of all the linguistic irritants I've cited so far, this is the one I've said most: "We (or I) dodged a bullet."  Unless you've dodged a bullet literally, it's best to avoid using that expression.  As I look back, I realize how I've used that expression too often in reference to a test that was postponed, a stack of CDs that I almost knocked off the stereo accidentally, or an order for stamps I placed just before postage rates increased.  In such trivial instances, it's more appropriate to say, "Lucky for me (or us) that (such-and-such) happened..." or "That was fortunate."

Truth in advertising? IX

It always amuses me when anyone in a commercial picks two items from a laundry basket, brings them together for about a nanosecond, and announces, proudly, "Look!  No static cling!"

Finishing the sentence CVIII

This was my spirit-of-the-season unfinished sentence and some of its responses on Halloween 1992: 

The bewitching hour is close at hand--a chilling thought, because just around the corner lurks...

...Elvis and the headless horseman playing Tetris on the Nintendo. (Jenny L.)

...the advent of yet another season of human materialism and concern for only the good of one's self and the shameless promotion of real fat men in big red suits with those damned white beards. (Jeff B.)

...another presidential election--all of the apprehension, deprivation, and self-destruction that is perpetuated by a million-dollar man representing the destitute and helpless. (Brian W.)

Deadline met, sort of

What do you do when you prepare salads for a grocery store but have no croutons available?  Apparently, at one store I visited recently, you tear off pieces of bread and throw them in the salads.  I guess partial credit is deserved; after all, torn-up bread is in the ballpark of croutons.  At least, the store didn't run out of sugar and improvise with sawdust in its cookies.

Finishing the sentence CVII

Another one of my unfinished sentences and some responses to it from October 1992:

The expression, "Get the lead out," probably originates from...

...writing.  Pencils have lead; it means to write fast, real fast. (Neil S.)

...Zeppelin, baby. (Dan L.)

...a pipe maker, (who) got hungry and yelled to his wife, "Get the red trout."  His wife, not knowing her husband had caught any trout earlier that day, assumed that he must be screaming for more pipe making materials from his stash in the shed.  Thus, the wife "got the lead out." (Paul H.)

...the original great statement, "Get the plumbate out!"  (This) referred to drinking water, which was served in pewter goblets.  Since Diet Coke wasn't invented 'til the 20th century, it was roughly the equivalent of "Get the sugar/caffeine/salt/taste out." (Eric S.)

A unique ability among witch cats

2004: Witch cats, ostensibly watching TV.

When you're a witch cat, you can watch TV even when the set is off.  Apparently, the TV is simply a conduit for the show that plays in a witch cat's mind.

Finishing the sentence CVI

In Finishing The Sentence LV, I posted answers that one of my favorite unfinished sentences elicited in May 1989.  Here's how various people I knew in college answered it in April 1993:

If I could paint a picture of something that would linger in an observer's mind for years after seeing it, I would paint...

...a vision of the viewer absolutely and completely happy and content in the surroundings that he/she loves most.  That way, if they ever forget how it felt, they will remember that it is possible.  (Rachel N.)

...Jesus with olive skin and woolly hair, as described in the Bible, (to) see how people of various races would react. (Aasim I.)

...this image of my mother that I've held in my mind for years.  From a toddler's point of view, she was so tall, with flaming red hair flowing down her back and probably wearing some nasty '70s outfit.  It's just that hair that makes the image memorable. (Liz F.)

...a 100-foot black square with the words, "It was a mistake," in white, in the middle of it. (Theo H.)

...Canal Street in New Orleans, (which) is the widest street in America.  I would like to construct the frame of a giant television, say 100x100 feet, at the base of Canal Street, so that when you stand in the Riverwalk or take the ferry over from Algiers, it looks like you're watching Canal Street on TV, and when you're on the street, you're being watched.  This isn't a painting, but it's a picture, and people will remember it. (Michael M.)

A reliable feline security system

2009: Witch cats watch the neighborhood from my parents' window.

Even better than a burglar alarm: Witch cats.  They protect your home--and the neighborhood, as well.

A curmudgeon's Halloween

I doubt I'd ever respond this honestly to trick-or-treaters, but I used to envision this scenario years ago:

Trick-or-treater: Want to hear a joke?
Me: No, thank you.  Not now, and probably not ever.  Chances are, you didn't write it yourself, so you can't claim credit for it.  Most likely, it's either an old, unfunny supposed witticism with a punchline anyone can see coming, or it's inappropriately blue for your age.  Here are three mini candy bars for you, though.  Happy Halloween and goodbye.

It's probably best that I haven't answered the door for trick-or-treaters in years.

Purposely vague dialogue department IX

Some ambiguous dialogue I wrote and the interpretations it elicited in November 1992:

A: Ta da!
B: What happened?
A: It's done!
B: Already?!
A: Yeah...Come see for yourself.
(B stares in disbelief.)
B: Wow...It doesn't seem possible...
A: Everything fell into place.
B: You are so lucky!  You must have gotten a lot of breaks along the way.
A: Oh, yeah, there was some luck involved, but I still figured it out myself.
B: And just a few minutes ago, I thought you were clueless.
A: I was at first, but I found out it's really not that hard.
B: Well, I have to say I'm impressed.  You really put your mind to it and...Wait! (B eyes something across the room.)  Well, no wonder you figured it out!
A: What do you mean?
B: You ignored half the steps.  Anyone could figure it out then!
A: OK, I did it my way, but it still turned out great.
B: But you didn't really solve it...
A: It's finished, isn't it?
B: Not the way it should've been...

Questions: Who are A and B?  What task has A supposedly finished?  Why does B object to A's methods?  What does B notice that gives away A's unusual approach?

Responses:

...A and B are "higher beings" creating us but not by the rules.  (i.e. We are imperfect.)  B doesn't want an imperfect species.  Or, it's my ex-girlfriend and me working on the carburetor on her '84 Honda Accord.  I didn't use the Mitchell manual but got it back together anyway with only a few spare parts. (Lee F.)

...A has just figured out how to put on his socks.  B objects because he doesn't know how to do it and is confused.  B doesn't really notice anything.  By the time he comes out of his confused stupor, he found something new but easy to confuse again.  If one were to look at this a different way, a rabid hamster observed all of this happening and decided not to bite them because he thought he might catch what they had. (Eric S.)

Finishing the sentence CV

Another unfinished sentence I wrote and responses it received in November 1992:

The most ominous newscast begins when the anchorperson announces...

..."Sit down, everybody..." (Darren H.)

..."Do not be alarmed..." (Gary T.)

..."We interrupt 'Morning Edition' for a special message from God..." (Paul I.)

..."And in the world of mimes..." (Jason T.)

..."And although not all of the missiles have yet been launched..." (Liz F.)

Any soda in the can?

I'm about to try a diet soda I haven't tasted before.  Its attributes are listed vertically on the can--"sugar free, calorie free, caffeine free, gluten free, sodium free." 

I have the uneasy feeling I purchased a six-pack of air.

Finishing the sentence CIV

I tried not to write too many one-word unfinished sentences because it seemed too easy.  Sometimes, however, I received the widest range of responses that way.  Here's an example from Fall 1992:

Perhaps...

...I'll have another cup of tea. (Caron B.)

...the world would be different if we were silicon-based life forms. (Eric S.)

...animals are more interesting to talk to than people. (Jenni S.)

...in my next life, I may remember enough of this life to not make the same mistakes I made in this life.  Then again, perhaps not. (Paul H.)

...we're all a part of Hermann Hesse's nightmare, and our so-called lives will come to an abrupt end any minute now. (Jenny L.)

...the only thing more important than being here is what you do with the time you've got. (Neil S.)

Wearing the birthday hat

I never anticipated wearing a hat with a piece of plastic birthday cake attached to it.  It was a high school newspaper staff tradition, however, that anyone having a birthday was expected to wear the hat.  So, on this day 30 years ago, I put it on.  The newspaper was having a late night, during which all staff members were expected to make any requested last-minute edits and paste up the paper before it went to press.  About five hours after I'd put the hat on, another staff member said, "Andrew's a good sport.  He's still wearing the hat."

And, so I was.  Although I wouldn't seek out a hat like that today, it's nice, once a year, to celebrate one's birthday.  Wearing a birthday cake hat wouldn't have been my first choice for recognizing the occasion.  Nevertheless, it was a fun albeit unconventional way of telling the birthday celebrant, "We're glad you're part of our lives."  That's the essence of a considerate birthday celebration.

Purposely vague dialogue department VIII

More intentionally vague dialogue I wrote and interpretations in elicited in March 1992:

A:  Well, that does it!
B:  What, you're giving up?
A:  Why not?  This is hopeless!
B:  I think we can still salvage it.
A:  It's beyond repair!
B:  There are a a lot of uses you haven't considered...
A:  I doubt that.  Let's just scrap this and start over.
B:  Well, I'm holding onto it.
A:  Why?!
B:  It'll come in handy.
A:  This can't be fixed!
B:  Just watch me.

Questions: Who are A and B?  What are they discussing?  What does A think can't be salvaged, and why?  Why is B more optimistic?

Responses:

...A and B are lovers who are very narcissistic.  They are arguing about the bathroom mirror, a central point/necessity of their lives, which has, for no apparent reason, committed suicide by leaping off the wall and shattering in the sink.  A has been trying to repair the mirror for the past three hours but is getting glue all over his/her hands and is making a mess of the job.  B wants to save the mirror because secretly, B is a jigsaw puzzle fanatic and could've put the mirror together in a matter of minutes.  Unbeknownst to A, B is going to save the mirror, repair it, and hide it for him/herself. (Jenni S.)

...A and B are symbolic of any couple, be they friends, partners, or lovers.  They represent the theory, "Opposites attract," to the extreme.  B must cling to everything from the past.  A represents the one who must shed the past.  Both are insecure, yet they must express their anxieties in different ways. (Karen W.)

Problem solved with a punch?

Another grade school memory: The social studies teacher asked a student, "What if the country you're trying to persuade to follow your plan of attack disagrees with you?"  The student's response: "Take a boat to wherever they are, and punch 'em."

I wish I could remember the teacher's response to that student's resolute answer.

Finishing the sentence CIII

One of my unfinished sentences and responses it received in November 1988:

The best way to appear as though you've attained perfection is...

...to act like ME! (Jonathan P.)

...to be happy and content with yourself.  Not arrogant, but just so others know you're happy. (Sue A.)

...downplay everything you do.  One appears perfect this way without appearing snobbish. (Chris E.)

...to fake it.  No one is ever perfect, but one can appear to be so by putting on a good show of acting. (Mark R.)

...Well, for starters, talk a lot, but don't make any definite statements.  If you're wrong, you look very stupid.  No, really, just try and be the best you can.  Don't listen to anyone who says it's not enough. (Betsy B.)

"Don't you get it? The sign is just a front!"

A grade school memory: An older kid on the school bus mused aloud about a building in progress.
"I wonder what that's going to be?" he asked. "The sign says it's going to be (such-and-such) Bank," I replied.  Indignantly, he sneered, "Just because the sign says that doesn't mean that's what it'll be!"  A few months later, the bank promoted on the sign opened.  I felt vindicated.

Only in college VII

A friend needed something specific for a science project.  Her family ordered the item and sent it to her at college.  When she picked up her family's package at the dorm's front desk, the students sorting mail looked at her oddly.  This reaction puzzled her, but then, she looked at the package.  The box was stamped, "HUMAN SKULL," and one of her parents had helpfully written, "SENT FROM HOME," next to it.