Truth in advertising? XI

Alas, after walking around in the front yard and back yard yesterday morning, I was unable to see the super blue blood moon that I was supposed to be able to see between 6:15 and 6:30.  It's always disappointing to miss such a rare occurrence.  I suppose that's life, though; for the most part, it's just a series of missed opportunities that leave us feeling glum.

Wait.  Let me switch beverages.

There.  That's better.  I'd been drinking Compromised Dreams Cola.  I had to settle for it when the grocery store ran out of Bereft Of Hope Cola, which features a bitter black coffee base, suitable for melancholy times.  Now, however, I just opened a can of Balanced Perspective Cola, and my thoughts have brightened.  I still got to see footage of the super blue blood moon online, and I still feel fortunate to have seen the solar eclipse last August, with its temporary burst of nightfall.

It's amazing what a difference the right beverage makes.

I was inspired to write this after reading a rather melodramatic review of the four new Diet Coke flavors.  To my taste buds, they're all quite good and don't taste overtly like diet soda.

A linguistic irritant XXXIV

Although I don't hear it often these days, I always get irritated when I hear anyone tell another person, "Make it snappy."  To me, that's a way of telling someone you're mouthy and impatient.  Several potential responses run through my mind.  The one that's closest to being civil is, "Make it courteous.  How about that?"

Finishing the sentence CXVIII

I asked students I knew from my high school to respond to this unfinished sentence of mine in April 1989.  Three years later, I asked college students I knew to respond to it, as well.  Here were the results in April 1992:

Per Robert Frost, "nothing gold can stay."  The most unfortunate example of this is...

...a reputation. (Karen B.)

...the here and now, as well as youth and perfect skin. (Brian W.)

...political promises. (i.e. "'No new taxes,' his larynx spewed, yet his lips read, 'Just a few.'") (Jeff B.)

...satisfaction with the way my life is going; happiness with myself, a truly gold thing because it's so scarce. (Jenni S.)

Sometimes, if you perfect your stare...

...and keep pawing at the door you want to open, it will open for you:

That was the case with Sammy in May 2003.

Only in college IX

Ah, college--a time when you expand your mind by starting on a paper five hours before it's due and power walk to class while pulling the sources you used out of your backpack and writing the bibliography by hand, even though you've typed the rest of the paper. 

This method earned me an A- on a psychology paper.  In the back of my mind, I kept wondering, "I've written a really good paper on advertising techniques, despite getting such a late start.  If I'd started weeks ahead of time, would it be in The Smithsonian?"

A linguistic irritant XXXIII

Is there a more pretentious or condescending phrase than "persons of your ilk?"  Even if there is, just hearing anyone use that phrase even once is excessive.

A linguistic irritant XXXII

If you're writing a math textbook, consider your audience.  Many students taking algebra don't need or want it to sound more daunting than it already does.  I remember the first day of an algebra class in which the textbook's instructions read, "Give the simplest name of the value of each expression."  I would have given simpler instructions, such as "Solve."  The teacher agreed and told the class, "This book can make everything sound like the most terrible task ever.  Why don't they just say, 'Give the answer?'"

Spot the real cat in this photo...

...Do you see her?

2013: Sylvia with wooden cats.

A linguistic irritant XXXI

I can't stand it when anyone says something will be fixed "in a jiffy."  That expression detracts from the urgency and seriousness of the task.  Please just say it will be fixed soon or right away.

Fit for a catalog II

Even when she was a little under the weather, Rosie was still ready for her close-up:

Not just any professional calico catalog cat could pull that off.

Fit for a catalog

From August 2006: The casual yet posed side of Rosie:

Becoming one with the cat toy

Sometimes, it isn't enough to just stand back and play with a cat toy from a distance.  Apparently, it's more satisfying to immerse yourself in it:

2012: Sylvia becomes one with the cat toy.

Promoting harmony

If there was one message my school district attempted to impart when I was growing up, it was "I'm OK.  You're OK."  While this didn't resonate with every student at every moment, it's a worthy objective, and this image could have accompanied it on hallway posters in grade school:

2003: Rosie and Sammy.

All rise, please... III

...Court is now in session, with the honorable Judge Nemo presiding.  When he requests it, please approach the bench--or kick toy, rather.

A mathematical irritant

Why is it so difficult for some who create a store's or restaurant's price signs to understand that .99 cents is the incorrect price?  It should be expressed as 99 cents or $0.99.  In the '80s, I saw a sign on a restaurant offering breakfast for 99-hundredths of a cent.  For that price, the customer shouldn't complain if a plate arrives with with just one grape, one piece of cereal, or a barely detectable sliver of a fried egg.

A common oversight

Sometimes, when packing for a vacation, you might forget to pack your cat.  No worries; the cat will find his own way into the luggage, as Sammy did here in 2006:

A linguistic irritant XXX

Too often, I've read about or heard people refer to any seemingly odd situation as being in "The Twilight Zone."  Examples: "I've been looking for my keys for 10 minutes, and here they are on my desk.  It's like I'm in The Twilight Zone,"  or "These lights weren't on a minute ago, and now, they are.  I must be in The Twilight Zone."

No, it isn't like that.  You just overlooked your keys sitting in an obvious place, and someone walked in and turned on the lights while you were out of the room.  There's no deeper meaning in those situations, and Rod Serling didn't step in to summarize their lessons.

An unusual escape

One Friday, at a previous job, someone I'd never seen sat down by the receptionist's desk and started chatting up a storm.  After she left, a co-worker asked the receptionist, "I take it she's a friend of yours?"  "No," the receptionist replied.  "She's a salesperson.  I asked her to come back Monday."

I always wondered if the salesperson came back.  Luckily for the receptionist, our company moved across town that weekend.

Sylvia saw the light...

...and it put her in a trance:

She then started speaking in tongues.  I didn't know cats did that.  More than nine years later, she still hasn't told me what that was all about.

Before court...

...Even before hearing a case, Judge Sammy still looked judicial.  In Spring 2011, before court was in session, he stopped to gather his thoughts.

A linguistic irritant XXIX

I hate the taste of raw celery.  If I were expressing this sentiment incorrectly, I'd say it's one of my least favorite foods.  Raw celery, however, has never been and will never be one of my favorite foods.  Therefore, it's one of the foods I dislike most--not one of my least favorites.

The executive tabby gets the big chair...

...I'm still not sure what job Sylvia held in 2008, but given her executive chair, it must have been important:

A linguistic irritant XXVIII

By chance, in the last two days, I've read and seen three references to ice cream and pizza places as parlors.  I know, once upon a time, "parlor" was a more common term.  Whenever I see it today, though, I grind my teeth and think, "Don't call it an ice cream parlor!  Don't call it a pizza parlor!  That's stodgy and archaic.  The word, 'place,' is sufficient."

A linguistic irritant XXVII

Whenever anyone says an event is "slated to begin" at a certain time, I think, "Why not just say, 'It will begin' at the scheduled time?  Admittedly, 'slated to begin' is usually more accurate.  A meeting scheduled for 10:00 might actually start at 9:58 or 10:03.  Still, "will begin" is more concise and sounds more natural.

Finishing the sentence CXVII

An unfinished sentence I wrote and some responses to it from January 1992:

Regardless of one's intelligence level, educational background, or depth of perception, this question baffles everyone.  No one can give an all-encompassing answer to it.  This questions is...

...Why do nations go to war? (James D.)

...Where do you get steel sheep for steel wool? (Miranda G.)

...Why is a cow? (Shannon D.)

...Ivory Soap is 99.44% pure what? (Dana P.)

Finishing the sentence CXVI

I wrote this unfinished sentence in March 1989.  I was impressed with the answers it received, so I asked different participants for their responses in March 1992:

One is a full-fledged actor only when... 

...one is able to convince oneself that a lie is the truth. (Jenni S.)

...you actually succeed and convince the officer that you were only driving 86 in a 25 mph zone so you could get to the hospital before your beloved grandmother passes away. (Keith T.)

...the director of a play or movie has to recast because the actor/actress has died.  i.e. You are an actor/actress until you die. (Jonathan L.)

"Wait 'til you see the vintage abacus I ordered."

A '90s work memory: A co-worker, noticing how old a colleague's computer was, pretended to have brain freeze and remarked, "For a moment there, I thought I was in a documentary about the '40s."

Finishing the sentence CXV

Another unfinished sentence and responses it elicited in October 1991:

Thomas Gradgrind, a teacher in Hard Times by Charles Dickens, makes no bones about what students should master.  "Now, what I want is facts.  Teach these boys and girls nothing but facts.  Facts alone are wanted in life.  Plant nothing else and root out everything else.  You can only form the minds of reasoning animals upon facts; nothing else will ever be of any service to them..."  This logic is most chilling (or most sensible) when one considers...

...that you're contemplating this from the bowels of a deep freeze. (Eric S.)

...that the man has quite a valid point, considering how trite or fleeting all subjective references seem in retrospect. (Christian E.)

...it's because of logic like this that "Dragnet" stayed on TV so long. (Miranda G.)

Finishing the sentence CXIV

I didn't elicit many responses when I wrote this sentence initially, so I asked for a few more responses to it in September 1991.  Here were the results:

If a wise, old owl could speak English, I would want it to awaken the masses, proclaiming...

..."Wake up!  Everyone is an individual.  Stop being one of the herd (flock.)  Revel in yourself!" (Anthony T.)

..."Don't sleep through life.  Use the gifts God has given you, and don't bury yourself in the depths of your own problems.  Help someone else, and somehow, your own troubles will fade away." (Cindy D.)

..."Sleep a lot, work a lot, play a lot, laugh a lot, cry a lot, and learn a lot about and from others, and leave pain and dying to the dead!!" (Brian W.)

..."Why the Hell are you guys sleeping in church?  Don't you have any @#%&ing respect for the Lord?" (Miranda G.)

A linguistic irritant XXVI

I don't think it's ever necessary to use the phrase, "and all."   It's used most frequently when a person has only one reason to justify what they're saying.  (i.e.  "I don't think I should go to work today, with this cold and all.")

Facing the new year with an attitude

When a new year begins, it's sometimes easy to feel wary.  When memories of the previous year not turning out as you wanted are fresh, it's easy to cop an attitude, as Rosie did in this photo from 2006: