Finishing the sentence III

Here's another unfinished sentence I created for my notebook, ROAM (Remnants Of Abstract Minds.)  The responses it elicited in 1992 are especially apropos now, I think:

One promise that aspiring political leaders often make but seldom fulfill is...

..."I won't lie to you." (Chip C.)

..."I can solve your problems.  I care."  (Lies...Lies...Lies...) (Kathy P.)

..."I promise to get the rabid gerbil population under control if it takes playing golf 24 hours a day to do it!" (Eric S.)

..."I have a plan to benefit all of us if you will give me the chance and the time and the money to prove it to you.  Also, if other political power-people would not buck me on this, we can all be feasting on the golden calf by the next election." (Lee F.)

..."We need to come together as a people, so if you help me, I'll help you."  Bull---- from white politicians who "think" they need the black vote.  They only want that vote when the race is close. (Paris A.)

...that new politicians always claim they know the system (and) will play the system but aren't part of the system.  Just plain old guys, they say!  (David H.)

Finishing the sentence II

In yesterday's post, I wrote about the creative writing notebook I kept during high school, college, and thereafter.  On rare occasions, when one of my unfinished sentences elicited a lot of interesting or amusing responses, I would repeat it.  In the early '90s, I did that with this sentence and elicited these responses:

The second spontaneous thought in my mind right now is...

..."I live my life according to too many rules." (Roberta M.)

..."Why do all gumball machines have acorns printed on the little metal flap where the gum comes out?" (Cathy N.)

..."Should I?" (Jenni S.)

...to find a couple of male acquaintances and choreograph a rip-roaring tap dance to perform in a street somewhere. (Becky B.)

..."God, Becky B. has clean fantasies!" (Miranda G.)

..."I can't use that.  That's my first spontaneous thought." (Dan L.)

..."Feel life!" (Tony C.)

..."I'm very chronically happy for no reason." (Lisa M.)

..."My social circle is a vicious one, too." (Bob D.)

Finishing the sentence

In high school, college, and occasionally thereafter, I kept an ongoing creative writing notebook.  I called its early incarnations SUPALOCAN (Sarcasm Unlimited Plus A Lot Of Cynicism And Nonsense) but later changed its name to ROAM (Remnants Of Abstract Minds.)  Its main feature was "Finish The Sentence."  I would create an unfinished sentence and ask participants, whom I usually knew pretty well, to sign their names and complete the sentence.  I especially like the answers this sentence elicited in 1993.  Each contributor's first name and last name initial is indicated in parentheses:

Looking back on it now...

...I should have zigged instead of zagged. (Cathy N.)

...I should have mentioned that I didn't want to get involved. (David R.)

...I should have had a V8. (Chip C.)

...I realize I didn't need tap dancing lessons.  It's not that hard. (Amy S.)

...means I'll trip on my feet later. (Tre B.)

...I think I should have stayed in the womb. (Liz F.)

"HERE'S HOW YOU REGISTER FOR CLASSES!!!"

With a new semester looming, freshmen, sophomores, and juniors at my high school had to register for classes.  Before they could do that, however, students were divided into groups.  Each group was to report to an assigned teacher, so (s)he could give us the course description books and allow us to fill out our schedule requests for the next term. 

Without sounding mean or rude, Mr. K. began the course advisement session by shouting, "I HAVE THE COURSE DESCRIPTION BOOKS!!!  I WILL PASS THEM OUT, AND WE WILL GO THROUGH THEM!!!"

"He doesn't sound angry," I thought, "but why is he speaking three times louder than he needs to?"

Then, it dawned on me.  He was a typing teacher.  Usually, when he spoke, he had to shout over 20 to 30 students banging on keys.  Still, even during a session when no one was typing, his default speaking voice still rivaled Billy Mays pitching Orange Glo.

I got to hear that bellow the next year, when I took his class.  He never sounded cross, but I often thought, "I doubt any fast food drive-through worker ever complained about not being able to hear his order."

Tilting the world

During my appointment with the dysphonia doctor today, the nurse thanked me for agreeing to move my appointment to a later time.

"You're welcome," I replied.  "This worked out better for me, as well.  I've never seen the waiting room so empty before."  As an afterthought, I added, "It's unreasonable for anyone to expect the world to revolve around him or her.  Expecting it to tilt slightly in one's direction every once in a while isn't so unreasonable, however."

When the doctor finished giving me my shot, he said, "I hope the world continues to tilt slightly in your direction." 

"Thank you," I said.  "Here's hoping it tilts slightly in your direction, as well--and yours," I said, turning to the nurse.

There's nothing like sincere, reciprocal good wishes.

"I'm understated, too!"

A former supervisor once told me about a resignation note he received.  I call it a note instead of a letter because it consisted of just two words, one of which was misspelled.  The employee had intended to write "I quit."  Instead, he'd inexplicably written "I quiet."

"So, what do you think?" the boss asked.  "Does that count as a resignation?"

According to him, the employee gave him the note while saying angrily, "This is for you!"  The intention was clear.  Technically, however...

Staying positive, despite a turbulent stomach

Several years ago, as I was buying groceries, a clerk and I talked about food poisoning experiences we'd had.  One such story of his didn't end the way I would have predicted.  He began, "My church group went on a retreat, and we stopped at (a sandwich shop.)  We all got sick after we ate there."

You'd probably expect, as I did, for the clerk to follow up with "That was sure uncomfortable," or "I haven't eaten there since then."  Instead, he continued, "It just goes to show what a perfect system God created.  There's always a release."

Talk about looking on the bright side.  You just don't expect a story about stomach trouble to take a turn for the divine.

You know you've reached middle age when...

...after having the tremors in your hand diagnosed, you breathe a sigh of relief and say, "Thank goodness it's only carpal tunnel..."

Meaning business

In 2008, A&E aired a short-lived TV show, "We Mean Business."  In each episode, the team of Bill, Katie, and Peter would take over a struggling business temporarily while improving the company's business plan, technological capabilities, and layout and design.  After watching a few episodes of the series, I started thinking in those terms silently whenever I walked into any small business.

One restaurant I frequented then specialized in Chicago-style foods.  Using the "We Mean Business" criteria, several potential improvements came to my mind as I waited in line:

• Even though there usually weren't many customers waiting when I went there, ordering seemed to take longer than necessary.  Kiosks would have sped up the process.
• The most frequent question I heard customers ask was, "What's in a combo?"  The menu board needed to spell that out more conspicuously.
• During a longer-than-usual wait, my eyes started to throb.  I don't know if electric mustard relish is a paint color, but that's how I described the off-putting color of the walls.  An easier-on-the-eyes color would have made the decor more soothing.
• Perhaps most importantly, the leaky soda nozzle needed to be fixed.  In two visits, about two weeks apart, I saw that customers could end up spraying soda onto their arms inadvertently.  That's a turn-off at any business.

It's fun, when you're a customer who has no stake a business, to think in these terms.  You might even find that if you ask politely, the business will implement your suggestions.

B+: Almost excellent

Unless it was the grade I received in an exceptionally difficult class, a B+ was a frustrating grade to receive.  Although it's an above average grade, "almost excellent" doesn't have the same ring as "excellent."

No frivolity in this building

A former co-worker, concerned that the company was moving to what he considered a fancier, stuffier building, exclaimed, "If we're allowed to talk about non-work topics, we'll probably only be allowed to talk about taxes--and death!"

Somehow, the fact that he walked off as he said that made it funnier to me.  Fortunately, we were able to discuss non-work topics outside of death and taxes.

No lack of choices

It seems as though every food craving can be satisfied these days.  I thought about this when I saw that Pop-Tarts now offer pastries in Dunkin' Donuts vanilla latte and Orange Crush soda flavors.  Yoplait, not to be outdone, has pineapple upside down cake yogurt.  At this rate, I won't be surprised if Coke or Pepsi offers salted pretzel soda soon.

One thought, two languages

During my high school German I class, the teacher expressed a political opinion.  A student started to disagree in German.  Halfway through his sentence, it apparently dawned on the student that it was still early in the semester and that he hadn't learned two of the words in German that he'd planned to say.  He forged ahead anyway.

"Das ist your opinion," he told the teacher.

I didn't agree with the student.  Still, I thought he deserved credit for completing his thought--even though it took two languages to do it.

A mediocre A grade?

I remember an elementary school teacher who used to rubber stamp students' papers with angels.  The message on each imprint was based ostensibly on a student's grade.  I was incensed when a test on which I'd scored 95% had an angel stamp that read, "You can do better.  I know you can."  I don't remember the subject of the test, but I still remember how it felt to see, "You can do better..." placed incongruously next to such a high score.  I fought the urge to tell the teacher sarcastically, "Sorry that my A grade fell short of your expectations..."

Equity on Valentine's Day

Although you can't guarantee that every student will get with the program, this is the way Valentine's Day should work in school: Valentine exchanges should take place in each class, through the end of grade school.  Although no student should be forced to participate, each student who participates should bring a Valentine for every student in the class.  This was the policy when I was in grade school decades ago, and it resulted in fun, low-key annual Valentine's Days.

Details? Justification? Reasoning?

The high school world history teacher asked us to write a short paper on whether Alexander The Great deserved to be called great.  As he collected the papers, I heard a student say, "Oh, I forgot to do that!'  He scrawled two sentences hastily on a piece of paper and handed it in.

The teacher read some of our papers aloud.  About five or six selections in, he came to that student's paper.

"Was Alexander The Great great?  No, I don't think so," the teacher read.

After a pause, he told the class, "Not quite the depth I was looking for..."

"Henceforth, coaches shall be referred to as coaches..."

A writer on the high school newspaper staff submitted his first draft of a story to the editor.  He referred to one of his coaches in a way you don't usually read, wondering if the editor would notice.

"We do not refer to people as stubborn old goats!" the editor suddenly declared while marking up the copy.

She noticed.

Marking those words

One of the most quick-witted former co-workers I knew had a gift for ad-libbing.  He once punctuated his remarks with, "Mark my words," and started to walk away.  He then turned back and said, "Well, those are my words.  Did you mark them?"

Not everyone could make that sound humorous, but he somehow did.

Before there was spam...

...illegitimate sweepstakes notices were sent through the mail.  My favorite one, from the early '90s, asked contestants to pay an entry fee "to cover printing costs.  (Most winners do.)"

Since when are a company's printing costs my responsibility?  And, "most winners do?"  Right... 

Yeah, yeah, yeah? Not in Mr. M.'s class...

You learned quickly in Mr. M.'s high school algebra class that "Yes," not "Yeah," was the proper affirmative response to a yes-or-no question.  Even when Mr. M. sat in the back of the room as a student teacher led the class, "Yeah" was still prohibited.  When a student said, "Yeah," to the student teacher, Mr. M. reacted as if he'd just heard profanity.  His voice boomed from the back of the room, "What was that?!"  "I mean, Yes," the student corrected himself.

Mr. M. explained that he didn't even allow his own kids to say, "Yeah," to him, and "in this class, you are all my children!"

So, "Yes" it was...

"It's our antagonize-the-customer sale!"

Yes, people should read ad copy carefully and comprehend what they're reading.  Still, it's irritating when any business tries to mislead customers by advertising "going out for business" prices.  It's shady when advertisers count on people misreading "for" as "of" to get them into the store.  Besides, every store is going out for business.  I've never seen any store have a "Whatever.  It's all moot," sale.

Not a fortune but funny

A former co-worker was amused to read the fortune in her fortune cookie.  It read, "You like Chinese food."

Granted, that isn't really a fortune, but I have to admire the fortune writer's sense of humor.

"Spartacus: The Sequel"

A favorite story from a former co-worker: Years ago, at dinner, the co-worker's mother asked the family, "Alright, who fed the dog under the table?"  This co-worker stood up and announced, "I am Spartacus.  I have fed the dog."  One of his brothers then stood up and declared, "No, I am Spartacus!  I have fed the dog!"  His other brothers also did this until all of them were standing.

I wonder if his mother ever found out who fed the dog.

Confidence in your own show

During a broadcasting school tape critique session in the '90s, I discussed a TV talk show host's recent debut with the instructor.

I told her, "The show is decent, but the host spends too much time undercutting that by talking about how nervous he is and how he's not sure how they'll manage to fill time."

I agreed with the instructor's response.

"Yeah, when you host a talk show, that kind of talk should be kept to a minimum," she said.  "When I watch a talk show, I think, 'I'm sitting here in my living room, and he's making good money hosting the show.  He must have some skill that I don't have, so why he is on TV apologizing repeatedly for the show?'" 

It's OK to admit nervousness or uncertainty now and then, but hosts who do that too often on their own shows invite the question, "Why are you hosting the show, then, if you don't have confidence in your product?"

A quirky compliment

A friend of mine, during high school, wrote an English paper that elicited an impressive grade of 98%.  The teacher wrote on the paper, "About the only thing wrong with this paper is the way it's stapled together."

Now, there's a compliment you don't usually see.

Persistent earworm alert

In the early 2000s, I bought a DVD recorder.  To test its editing function, I selected bits from two channels randomly, and edited them together.  The result sounded like cryptic dialogue from an existential play:

Mr. Carlin (a patient of Dr. Hartley's on The Bob Newhart Show): We're here to make me feel better, and I feel better!
Woman in salad dressing commercial: It's the way ranch dressing should taste.

Years later, this randomly chosen segue between two disparate bits of television still runs through my mind at odd times.  It's bizarre how one's mind retains something so inconsequential.

Still human; not a feline just yet

It was thoughtful of the animal shelter to send me these return address labels.  With a cat face photo next to my name and address, it looks as though I've turned into a cat.  I suppose that's just as well, considering how much I envy the generally easygoing demeanor cats often have.

"Time for your weekly macabre quiz question..."

Each Friday, during my eighth grade history class, the teacher would give us a 10-question, multiple choice quiz on the week's news.  For some reason, nearly every week, there was at least one question about a disaster that resulted in deaths.  Those types of questions would read something like: "Ten people were killed, and five were injured this week in downtown St. Louis.  This was the result of: (A) an automobile crash, (B) a bus accident, (C) a plane crash, or (D) a train derailment."  Back then, I wondered why the teacher fixated on tragedies resulting in death so often.  Now, however, I realize it was probably just that those events allowed him to use the same answer choices every week.