"Remember, you're an aged college student now..."

Looking back on a college orientation session from 1989, the way a moderator attempted to make us feel more like adults amuses me.  It wasn't sufficient for each incoming student to choose a seat in the lecture hall and sit down.  Instead, she had to guide each of us to a seat while addressing each one of us as "Sir" or "Ma'am."  I didn't say anything at the time, but I thought, "I'm pretty sure I'm 18, not 98."  However well-intentioned her gesture was, it struck me as odd and unnecessary.

So, yearbook signing isn't all fun and games...

Despite the benefits of high school yearbooks that I wrote about yesterday, one awkward situation sometimes arises.  A friend remembered someone who asked her to sign her yearbook.  "Why does she want me to sign her yearbook?" my friend thought.  "We've never gotten along all that well."  Stuck for what to write, she spotted an "Elect Steve Jenkins" campaign poster nearby.  She wrote, "Elect Steve Jenkins," in the other girl's yearbook and handed it back to her.  Shortly after reading it, the girl confronted her.  "Why did you write, 'Elect Steve Jenkins?!'" she demanded.  "What do you have against me?  What's wrong with you?!"

I still contend that, more often than not, it's fun to sign other people's yearbooks.  Every now and then, however...

Christmas cards and yearbooks

I've always enjoyed writing on Christmas cards as much as I liked signing people's yearbooks when I was in high school.  In both cases, you have the chance to tell people you admire that they're in your thoughts and that you respect them.  It's also interesting to read the feedback you get in return.  Someone once wrote in my yearbook, "I'm glad we finally met this year, as I had heard many stories about your bohemian personality prior to actually meeting you."  Another favorite autograph read, "I know you'll go far in this world, and if you don't, make up one of your own.  I could only say something like that to you because only you would understand it."  It was a pleasure to respond in kind to both of those people and many others like them.  Regardless of how independent you think you are, it's always nice to be appreciated.

Baffling hostility toward the ostrich

It's probably best not to to read one of Snapple's "real facts" on a bottle cap when you've just gotten up and aren't wearing glasses.  At first, I thought I read, "An ostrich's brain is smaller than its ego."  Then, I put my glasses on and woke up a little more.  I saw that the fact actually reads, "An ostrich's brain is smaller than its eye."  I'm glad I gave that fact a second glance.  I wouldn't want to think that Snapple or any other company is anti-ostrich.

World ending? Advance notice is considerate.

The priest had never ended Mass this way before.  Ordinarily, he would end Mass with a standard closing such as, "This mass has ended.  Let us go in peace."  One day, however, he departed from the usual text.  Turning gravely serious, he said, "And, if this is to be our last day on Earth, may we go in peace..."

At age 11, I couldn't help wondering, "Did God say something to him about the world ending?  If he tipped him off about the world's imminent demise, it would have been good to know that before today."

No desire to be done with Christmas

I knew someone in the radio business who said he liked to "take all of the Christmas decorations down on December 26 and just be done with it."  I can't fathom that.  According to my bent-to-my-own-reality calendar, the Christmas season doesn't end until at least March 1 most years.

The serenity of Christmas, in the moment

December 25, 2005: Peaceful, easygoing Sammy under the Christmas tree.

Around 4 a.m. today, I stood at the entrance/exit of a parking garage looking at a Christmas tree and many shimmering lights in the distance.  I didn't feel in a hurry to go anywhere.  I just wanted to take in the serene feeling of the holiday.  It's a shame that peaceful feeling can't be bottled for times outside of Christmas.

Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it.

Jaded? Cynical? Not today...

In recent days, I've been feeling like Clement Teagle, the protagonist of Frank Sullivan's story, "Crisp New Bills For Mr. Teagle."  As you might have gleaned from reading this blog, sarcasm and cynicism come fairly easily to me.  Lately, though, after receiving such thoughtful sentiments on Christmas cards from friends, neighbors, and co-workers, and receiving generous helpings of Christmas cookies, candy, and other treats, feeling sour or cynical is just out of place.  Thank you to everyone who knocked the cynicism out of me and replaced it with a more relaxed optimism.  They say Christmas is the season for miracles...

Arbiters of excommunication

A former co-worker told me a friend of hers called herself the pope.  Her friend deemed this co-worker the pope's assistant, and the two of them would pretend to excommunicate people who got on their nerves.  One night, while leaving work, I turned on KWMU, and the first sound bite I heard was a woman saying, "Yes, I have been excommunicated."  I thought, "Hmmm...The pope's assistant was off from work tonight.  I wonder if that excommunication was her doing."  I'm still not sure.  I also wonder if either of them granted people a reprieve from excommunication at Christmas.  I'll probably never know.

Positive news on Christmas Day

It's pleasant to know that in any newspaper on Christmas Day, there will be good news--often about a business or church helping people in need, neighbors lifting the spirits of a struggling person or family, or the attention that a well-crafted nativity scene or Christmas lights display attracts.  It's almost certain that any newspaper on December 25 will have at least one story in at least one of those categories.

As elementary as it sounds...

A former co-worker used to say, "Everything makes sense to someone."  He's right.  As flawed or irrational as someone's reasoning might be to me, it makes perfect sense to that person.  While that isn't exactly a sentiment fit for a Christmas card, it's a sobering yet accurate expression by which to live.

Possibly the safest Christmas card inscription

If you're sending large numbers of Christmas--or holiday, if you prefer--cards to a mixture of people you know and don't know well, one of the safest inscriptions you can choose is "Wishing you the best of the season..."  It's broad enough and not too personal or impersonal.

One Christmas special you don't preempt

Once, in the early '90s, a local network affiliate made the mistake of preempting A Charlie Brown Christmas.  After viewers complained, the station rescheduled it for Christmas Day at 11 a.m.  Of all the specials to preempt...It still surprises me that any station would dare to preempt a special with so much heart and great music that speaks to so many viewers.  Unless there's a major news event, it's unwise for any station committed to airing A Charlie Brown Christmas not to show it.

Curbing reflux

After a taxing week at work about 10 years ago, my supervisor stopped by my desk.  Without any prompting from me, he shook five antacid tablets out of a bottle onto my desk.

"It's been that kind of a week," he said, and walked on.

I thought that was considerate.  If there's no way of avoiding a heavy workload, it's thoughtful for a manager to at least neutralize the stomach churn that results from it.

You know you've reached middle age when...

...the majority of the Christmas cards you send are addressed to families instead of individuals.  I don't remember what year that became true for me, but at a certain point, it became common to address cards to The Smith Family, for instance, instead of Jack (or Jill) Smith.

The ever-present gift wrap and tape

I'm not sure why I ever ask myself if I have enough gift wrap and tape.  I always have both of those items, so I'm not sure why I forget that.  I still have a three-pack of wrapping paper that I bought after Christmas in 1999 and at least two rolls of tape.  You'd think I'd remember that, but wrapping paper and tape aren't items you typically think about until you need them.  Tape, especially, is not a flashy purchase.  Typically, I buy it when I see that it's on sale.  Then, I store it with the other three rolls of tape I bought during previous sales.  I suspect most of us are like that.

"Maybe it makes sense in context..."

At the first Mass I attended in grade school, it would have been handy to have had a "Pray Together" book nearby.  I was unable to follow what was going on without it.  During one portion of Mass, it puzzled me that the congregation seemed to be saying, "Lord, we are burr."  That didn't make sense to me, but I thought, "I've heard that God works in mysterious ways."

The next time I attended Mass, I was able to follow along with the "Pray Together" missal.  I discovered that the congregation had actually said, "Lord, hear our prayer."  I learned that while God works in mysterious ways, he wasn't as cryptic as I'd thought he was a week earlier.

"His own eyes were gouged out by himself." Active voice, yes?

Once upon a time, I edited sports copy.  I explained the difference between active voice and passive voice to one reporter several times, but it didn't stick.

"You keep saying my writing is passive," he said.

"No," I responded.  "I said you use passive voice a lot."

He then pointed out supposed examples of active voice.

"Here, I wrote about a coach arguing with the referee," he said.  "That's pretty active voice.  I also wrote about fans getting upset with the ref's call.  That's also active voice.  And here's a sentence about the bench-clearing brawl.  That's active voice, too."

"Active voice doesn't mean a person has to impale someone with a wrench," I replied.  "Again, an example of passive voice is, 'Three points were scored by John Smith.'  Changed to active voice, it would read, 'John Smith scored three points.'  Active voice is more concise."

Fortunately for the editors, the reporter used mostly active voice in his stories after that.

What makes a compelling ornament?

2005: A sample of the ornaments on my Christmas tree.

Although I like all of the ornaments pictured here, I especially like the bear-settling-in-for-a-long-Winter's-nap ornament.  The first time I saw it, I wondered, "Is the bear simply in a deep slumber, or is the bear feeling under the weather?"  If you look closely at the bear's expression, it can be read either way.

When you're in a store and find yourself creating a back story for a fictitious ornament character, you should probably buy that ornament.  I made the right decision in this case, a quarter-century or so ago.

For any area expecting snow...

...For everyone's safety, may the snow you receive be the type I photographed here on Christmas Eve in 2005.  May you have enough snow for the landscape to look seasonal and serene but not enough to cause a power outage or havoc on the roads.

Making sure your paper can fly

My high school German teacher used to joke, "I don't really grade these papers.  I just stand at the top of the staircase and throw them down the stairs.  The one that travels the longest distance gets an A.  The paper with the second longest distance gets an A-, the third a B+, and so on."

Apparently, the time I spent learning to conjugate verbs in German should have been spent making my tests and quizzes as aerodynamic as possible.

So, what does this insurance cover?

Years ago, due to a change in insurance plans, I went to my first appointment with a new dentist.  I was told I'd need to have a crown put on a tooth.  I found it odd that no one cleaned my teeth, but I thought, "I guess they'll do that at the next appointment."  When my teeth weren't cleaned during the follow-up appointment, I mentioned this to a co-worker.

"I have that plan, too," he said.  "It doesn't cover cleanings."

I'd never heard of this before.  People go to the dentist to have their teeth cleaned, after all.  If I hadn't needed the crown, would the dentist have just looked in my mouth, said, "Yep, those are teeth," and then walked out?

For a great seasonal pick-me-up...

...read Christmas cards that people have sent you over the years.  Knowing that you're in people's thoughts should go a long way toward making you feel appreciated.

The sensible way to watch TV

During the first week of school, one of my high school science teachers wanted to establish some guidelines for living, not all of which were science-related.  One of the best lessons he taught us was, "Don't watch TV.  Watch shows on TV."  He's right that it's too easy to squander time flipping channels aimlessly.  It's better to watch specific programs you know you'll like.  Three decades later, I still watch TV with this admonition in mind.

The gift of ad-libbing

A transcript of a conversation I had with my high school world history teacher on March 31, 1987:

Me:  Why do you think God always puts the burden on TV evangelists to collect money from viewers?  Why doesn't he ever go to ordinary citizens and threaten them with death?
Mr. H.: Because God is smarter than you think.  God likes to maximize his resources...More bang for the buck, I guess.  Instead of threatening everyone with death and extorting money from them that way, the channels and the airwaves would be much too crowded.  So when God needs money, he takes one person, puts them in front of the people, and then, they can channel their money there.  It's the same reason that the Community Chest or United Fund were organized.  Instead of millions of charities out there competing for your dollars, there's one United Way where most people give the bulk of their charitable donations to.  So, that's God's way; it's God's United Way.
Me: I like it.
Mr. H.: Thank you.

All these years later, I still think that's one of the best answers anyone has ever given me to a random question.

"The bird's name is Woodstock, dammit!"

Writing about the good listener badge yesterday sparked another first grade memory.  I remember making some reference to Snoopy and Woodstock from Charles Schulz's "Peanuts" comic strip.  Another student, thinking she was correcting me, said, "Actually, it's Woodchuck."

"No," I said. "It's Woodstock."

A row of students murmured, "She's right.  It's Woodchuck."

"No, it's not Woodchuck.  It's Woodstock," I said, growing irritated.

While not remembering the correct name of Snoopy's bird friend doesn't exactly warrant the death penalty, I still wonder how a whole row of students remembered Woodstock's name incorrectly.

The power of a good listener badge

It's a simple concept, but I remember it being effective.  When I was in first grade, each student was issued a good listener badge to display on his or her desk.  If the teacher thought a student wasn't listening to her, she'd revoke the badge; the student was able to earn it back by showing good listening habits.  As a result, most of the time, every student in class listened to the teacher.

"I must answer the telephone, as it is ringing."

Sometimes, when I'm tired or sick, I speak more formally and use contractions more sparingly than usual.  When I'm under the weather, even when I'm just talking to myself, it's not unusual for me to say things like, "I have not fed my cat yet.  I must feed her because that is something I have not done."

I'm not sure why being sleep-deprived or having a cold or the flu sometimes makes me start talking like a "Mark Trail" character.  After all, I would think that feeling lethargic would make me want to condense my thoughts instead of prolonging them.  Then again, it often takes longer to process even the simplest thoughts when you don't feel well, so maybe there's some logic in there.

Considering this calico's expression...

2003: Family cat Rosie looking regal in front of the Christmas tree.

...it's probably best to give a cat with this expression the Christmas gifts she wants, to her exact specifications.  I'm not sure what the cat equivalent of Queen Victoria's alleged quote, "We are not amused," is, but giving the wrong gifts to a calico with this expression might elicit it.

A linguistic irritant II

I've never liked the phrase, "took the liberty of."  Whenever I hear it, I think, "Just say you did whatever it was."  Consider these two sentences:

• "I took the liberty of pouring myself a glass of water."
• "I poured myself some water."

The second sentence is better, as it's more concise.

Your one-stop shop for one food only

One more story about the bagel place referenced yesterday: I stopped in one morning when it had been open for 10 minutes.  Surprisingly, there was almost no food on the shelves.  The only food available was one type of coffee cake.  The cashier didn't explain why nearly all the food was missing, so I said, "I guess, by default, I'll have a piece of coffee cake."

To this day, that's the closest I've come to replicating Monty Python's cheese shop sketch.