An odd time for sternness

During a middle school history class, the teacher told us about a group of people who, after being shipwrecked, got so hungry they ate each other.  Predictably, much of the class started groaning and saying, "Ew!" or "Gross!"

The teacher, who only became cross occasionally, lit into the class.

"Now, look!" he said.  "I'm not saying what they did was right, but think about what you would do if you were in that situation!"

Strange that it took the class's resistance to cannibalism for the teacher to admonish us...

Finishing the sentence XCVI

From February 1993: Another unfinished sentence I wrote and its responses:

Let's set the record straight.  There's no credible evidence that supports...

...Europe being an actual continent and not a peninsula. (Paris A.)

...the claim that -1 times -1 equals +1.  This is a pet peeve of one of my friends, who, despite years of explanation from various sources, still cannot accept this fact. (Jeff B.)

...the existence of anything beyond the fantastic generation of our neurosis-contaminated, innately schizophrenic minds. (Randy R.)

Purposely vague dialogue department V

More deliberately ambiguous dialogue I wrote and responses to it from April 1993:

A: Here we are.
B: Yes.  We're here.
A (sighing:) Well, I guess there's no use stalling.
B: No, I guess not.
A: I mean, other people have faced far worse things than this--right?
B: Ummm...Well, yeah, I guess so.
A: Of course they have!
B: It was just a simple misunderstanding.
A: Sure; we'll have this cleared up just like that.
B: How could we not?
A: We'll just march right in and lay it on the table.
B: Exactly.  We're not the ones in the wrong here.
A: That's just how I see it.  So, let's go ahead...
(A and B don't move.)
B: You wouldn't want to...you know...
A: ...think this through some more?
B: Yeah.
A: No!  We've come this far...Oh...I don't know.
B: Let's not go in just yet.
A: No, let's wait...

Questions: Who are A and B?  What or whom are they about to confront?  Why do they think they're in the right?  What convinces them to wait before going in?

Responses:

...A and B are suspects in an investigation of some heinous crime--murder, procrastination, smoking around non-smokers--that they may have committed with good reason, possibly even through ignorance of the rules.  But the people they have to face are the types who have power to punish and always think they're right.  So, A and B are pretty sure they'll be implicated. (David R.)

...A and B are lovers.  They are about to confront C, B's old lover.  C betrayed B with D, and A and B have decided to shoot C in the kneecaps for revenge.  They were thwarted by D and his large dog, who came to C's rescue bearing mace and a penknife.  They hesitate to go back and try to work things out with C because D is still violently disgruntled and protective of C. (Liz F.)

Exasperation in another language

When you're learning a foreign language from a textbook, the sentences you learn have to include only words you've learned up to that point and incorporate the current chapter's vocabulary words heavily.  Consequently, in high school German I class, one of the paragraphs we learned, when translated into English, read like this: "We went on a picnic.  Everyone brought food.  No one brought drinks.  Dieter called us idiots.  Naturally, he was right.  We knew that, too."

Nearly 32 years later, I still remember that tale of the poorly planned picnic.  People often referred to each other as sick, lazy, and tired fairly often in that textbook, as well.  I often wondered how our German I class would have fared in Germany, with these disjointed memories of the language standing out so prominently.

Finishing the sentence XCV

In Finishing the sentence LVI, I posted the responses I received to this sentence in 1988.  Here are responses I obtained when I reran it in 1993:

The key to a stress-free life is...

...trusting in God. (Chad A.)

...complete unawareness of your surroundings. (Liz F.)

...to become a pampered house pet. (Molly H.)

...not to have one at all. (Paris A.)

...to remember that you are not intrinsically bound to any career, lifestyle, place, or person.  If one's situation becomes too stressful, one should always remember that steps can be taken to change or leave that situation. (Jennifer D.)

...listen to blues very much, eat SpaghettiOs at least once a week, sing in the shower, taste a buttercup, pet the stray cats, have a beer, and put your feet up. (Karen B.)

...death?  No, seriously, when someone finds the key, can I make a copy at the local hardware shop? (Rachel N.)

It's also for the best...

...that the urge to ask your fellow students, "What number are you on?" when working on an in-class math assignment usually subsides after middle school.

It's for the best...

...that the urge to announce, "Turned right to it," when you open a textbook randomly to the page the teacher announces fades after middle school.

What the...?

Granted, it's a minor offense that's on par with the sales clerk in "Blondie" being amused earlier this week that Dagwood Bumstead was buying just one banana.  Still...

...Earlier this month, I ordered from a drive-through.  When the cashier asked me if I wanted my receipt, I said, "Yes."  Instead of handing it to me, she crumpled it up and said, "Consider it filed.  I hate receipts."

I'm still not sure what accounts for that attitude.  I'm glad she didn't take that approach with the food, though.

Finishing the sentence XCIV

An unfinished sentence I wrote and the responses it received in January 1989:

The best change of pace from an ordinarily drab existence is...

...taking up marbles. (Eric S.)

...(to) watch "Platoon" five times in a row. (Suzanne N.)

...(to) go outside at an absurd hour and do cartwheels in the street with your friends until you're laughing at nothing at all. (It has to be a quiet street.) (Suzy I.)

Finishing the sentence XCIII

From Fall 1992: Another one of my unfinished sentences and its responses:

Even though it's a cliche, many feel compelled to utter it within almost any conversation.  Unfortunately, it adds nothing to the conversation's content.  This cliche is...

..."Hi!  How are you?" (Paul H.)

..."Fine...And you?" (Charlotte O.)

..."Oh, my God!" (Pang L.)

..."Well, needless to say..." (Karen B.)

..."Well, these things happen..." (Jenni S.)

..."Like...uh...Like...uh..." (Cindy D.)

Well done, sun, moon, Earth, and weather...

The eclipse went off without a hitch in my part of the world this afternoon.  It was pleasant to see night fall temporarily and hear cheers off in the distance when totality occurred. 

I thought of the Schoolhouse Rock tune, "Interplanet Janet," and other celestial songs, as I watched the moon pass between the sun and Earth.  During totality, I thought, "Today, more than any other day, I understand Janet's fascination with the cosmos."  I also understand why she got an autograph from the sun.  After all, as Lynn Ahrens sings, "It's a star, it's a star..."

I'm sure I had plenty of company on that front today.

Keeping the eclipse in perspective

September 2004: The full moon in my family's backyard.

There's a chance of scattered thunderstorms during the eclipse's totality here tomorrow.  I hope the rain and cloudy skies will stay away then, but if they don't, I'll attempt to keep things in perspective. I'll remember that my sociology professor in college was legally blind and had a remarkably positive attitude about it.

"I think it's a blessing not to have to see the evil in the world," he told the class.

Another time, in his customary deadpan delivery, he told us, "You're probably wondering what's going to happen next.  You're wondering if I'll fall off the stage."

I've always admired that teacher's outlook toward such a challenging disability.  I'll be disappointed if I don't see the eclipse, but if that happens, I'll remind myself how lucky I am to be able to see the sun and moon at all.  The next full moon is September 6.  Although full moons are far more common than eclipses, they're beautiful, regular consolation prizes.

Letting the cuckoo chirp in its own good time

Instructions on a cuckoo clock I used years ago:  If you couldn't assemble it properly, the directions warned, "Do not resort to violent measures!"

I'm proud to say I kept my temper in check and was able to use the clock without flying into a rage.

Finishing the sentence XCII

This was the last unfinished sentence I wrote during my junior year of high school and a sample of its responses from June 1988:

The greatest advantage of living in a soap-operatic type of world is...

...all of your surroundings would look fake. (Scott B.)

...there are airports, a beach, and hospitals all within walking distance in a small town. (Meg B.)

...you get to marry someone rich and gorgeous, go to exotic places, live the life of complete luxury, and then do it all over again in six months with someone else. (Jennifer J.)

Finishing the sentence XCI

From April 1992: Another one of my unfinished sentences and assorted responses to it:

According to Andy Rooney, "Most poetry is pretentious nonsense."  One poetic verse which counters this assertion, though, is...

...all of T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock." (Paul I.)

..."Fire.  Fire burning in my soul..." -Langston Hughes, "Fire" (Jonathan B.)

..."Daddy" by Sylvia Plath.  Boy, she hates him. (Lisa G.)

..."Pamela Purse Said, 'Ladies First,'" by Shel Silverstein.  In fact, anything by Shel Silverstein.  Take a look at a picture of him; he looks like an escaped convict, yet he writes cute kiddie poems (although most of the kids in his poems get theirs.)  If Rooney called him pretentious, Shel would probably eat him for breakfast. (Jenni S.)

...really, any combination of words that sets you dreaming, but for the sake of this--"Now, the war has come, bringing with it a new attitude.  Youth has turned to gods we of an earlier day knew not.  The younger generation, conscious of strength and tumultuous, has ceased with knocking at the door.  They have burst in and seated themselves in our places.  The air is noisy with their shouts."  --W. Somerset Maugham, The Moon And Sixpence (Michael M.)

"Don't ring bell for service."

One grocery store at which I've shopped leaves a bell on the checkout belt when the cashier steps away.  A sign taped to it reads, "Ring bell for service."

I've never been comfortable with this.  I understand that the intention is to keep customers from waiting an uncomfortably long time.  Still, I can't ring the bell without feeling as though I'm being rude.  Typically, I make sure all of my groceries are on the belt, ready to be checked out first.  Then, I look around for a cashier.  If I see one, I'll make eye contact and say, "Hi!"  If no one else is in line, I'll search aisles nearby for a cashier.  I'll also do another quick scan of the general area.  Then, and only then, if I still don't see anyone, I'll give the bell two or three short rings.

Even though I don't prolong the ringing, I feel like I'm summoning an elk.  I don't want anyone, especially those who have always treated me well, to feel like servants at my beck and call.  I hope the store comes up with an egalitarian solution.

Finishing the sentence XC

Another unfinished sentence I wrote and some responses it elicited in the Spring of '93:

We'll be right back after...

...a trial separation.  No, really, I mean it.  (Michael M.)

...this brief message from our patriarchal society that equates large-breasted idiots in bikinis with the consumption of beer. (Jennifer D.)

...we make Vanna our next human sacrifice...Gotta keep those ratings up... (Jenni S.)

...we watch someone eat something they don't like, then smilingly tell us they love it, drive a spotless sports car down the only deserted highway in the U.S. at demonic speeds, and watch imbeciles tell us that they actually believe instant coffee was fresh grounds. (Tava S.)

Finishing the sentence LXXXIX

From April 1993: An unfinished sentence of mine and its responses:

Beware of the cult leader who promotes his or her cause by knocking on doors and asking,...

..."Hey!  Have you tried the new non-fat Twinkies yet?  If not, let me entice you with a few as I tell you about myself..." (Tava S.)

..."Hey!  Is that 'Freedom Rock?'  Turn it up, man!" (Theo H.)

..."Is The Lord in your house?  If he isn't here, I can't come in." (Laura W.)

..."How much does your child's health mean to you?  In dollar terms, let's say." (Michael M.)

Finishing the sentence LXXXVIII

From April 1992: Another unfinished sentence I wrote and some responses to it:

A seemingly insignificant remark which often carries hidden meaning is...

..."(S)he's got a great personality." (Jonathan L.)

..."Wow, that's really different!" (Donna L.)

..."Hmm..." (Jenni S.)

...any conversation.  Think about it. (Paul I.)

First day timidity

From the first day of Algebra I class in ninth grade:

Mr. M.: Now, I'll answer a question I'm sure many of you have on your mind.  'How's he going to grade this year?'  Have you all wondered about that?

(The class sat silently.)

Mr. M.: No one has wondered about that?

(Still, no one responded.)

Mr. M.: Then, I guess it must not be important.  (Pause)  Folks, if you're not going to respond to anything I say, it's going to be a long year.

Mr. M. relented and wrote his grading scale on the chalkboard.  I'm sure scenes like this have played out in many classrooms on the first day of school.  A sense of uncertainty often prevents students from answering even the simplest questions, at first.

One giant leap for humanity?

OK, here I go...This is the test run:

"An infinite plethora of thank yous, Hosannas, and accolades to this seller!  The seller altered the space-time continuum, as promised, so my item arrived before I'd even ordered it!  It was advertised honestly, down to the last finely sanded speck!  Bravissimo!  Cheers!  A++++++++++++++!!!!"

I think that'll work.  I'm practicing in case I ever leave feedback again on eBay or a comparable site.  In a world where people aren't always as civil as they should be, it's somewhat reassuring that many of us don't hold back when praising online sellers who send us our long-desired books, albums, and salt shakers.

First day basics

It always amused me how some teachers, on the first day of school, would explain their policies in overly basic terms.  In one high school class, the teacher told us, "If you don't understand the concept of five-points-for-a-homework-assignment, please see me."

If anyone doesn't understand that concept, here's wishing them a lot of luck--in school and life.

Finishing the sentence LXXXVII

From February 1993: One of my unfinished sentences and selected responses:

Given half a chance,...

...the world might manage to feed everyone adequately for once. (Liz F.)

...I'd be myself all the time. (Lisa M.)

...I would have listened to my parents more. (Melissa B.)

...I'd do it all the same--well, almost. (Jeff B.)

...I'm gonna make myself famous. (Remember the name!) (Paul H.)

...I'll put the sunset in my @#&*ing pocket!!! (Michael M.)

A linguistic irritant XIII

I've never liked the expression, "Chop chop," as a way of telling people that a task needs to be completed quickly.  In all the years I supervised people at a previous job, I never used that expression even once.  No supervisor has ever said that to me, either.  Although it takes longer to say, "This is due in an hour, so let's all bear down and do this as quickly as possible," it's more polite than resorting to the rudeness and condescension of "Chop chop."

"Help wanted. Barking dogs encouraged to apply."

When I was in college, someone on my dorm floor applied for a job at a power plant.  In addition to the application, he had to complete a psychological assessment.  He told a group of us that the questions weren't surprising until he was asked, "Have you ever barked like a dog?"  He told us he answered, "Yes," figuring, "Who didn't imitate the sound a dog makes when they were a kid?" 

I still wonder about the power plant's underlying motive for asking that.

Finishing the sentence LXXXVI

From December 1992: An unfinished sentence I wrote and some responses it received:

One humorous but disturbing example of overcommercialization is...

...my cousin dressing up as the lead singer from Menudo, taken from the Saturday morning cartoon.  She's three. (Karen B.)

...the way they bring out the rabid hamsters around Halloween now instead of after Thanksgiving. (Eric S.)

...the fact that as the late night move progresses, the ratio of Ginsu knife commercials to the actual movie time increases exponentially. (Matthew F.)

Finishing the sentence LXXXV

An unfinished sentence I wrote and some of its responses from Spring 1993:

Lucky for me that...

...laughter isn't fattening. (Becky B.)

...my security deposit check didn't bounce like a Spalding ball. (Jenni S.)

...I can fly when nobody is looking. (Jennie K.)

Finishing the sentence LXXXIV

I still like the range of answers this unfinished sentence of mine received in April 1993:

You can have it all.  Thanks to Ronco, inexpensive gizmo entrepreneurs, you can achieve your full potential with the help of the new...

...attitude adjuster.  With this, you can cure all of those anal retentive thoughts that society somehow instilled in you. (Julie A.)

...mirror image product.  How you see yourself in the mirror is how others with perceive you.  So, put on your best smile and get the exact angle you want others to see and--go for the narcissism! (Tava S.)

...political ideology, prefabricated for the easy digestion of American short attention span constitutions. (Bob D.)

...Chymomatic!  Ever order a steak and get shoe leather?  Does Mom make you eat liver?  And those veggies...Well, fret no more!  The Chymomatic eats, tastes, and digests your food for you and still provides your body with all the necessary nutrients.  Call now and receive a three-week supply of enzyme cartridges!  End those years of suffering today!! (Greg K.)

...and improved Note From Your Mommy.  You can do anything you want and get away with it because everyone knows that people with responsibility will accept a note from Mom as an excuse for anything.  (The ad then concludes with many testimonials from middle-aged men and women.) (Tim C.)

Purposely vague dialogue department IV

Here's some ambiguous dialogue I wrote, along with interpretations it elicited in March 1993:

A: Hey!  Give me a hand with this...
B: Sure...Hold on a minute...This is going to turn out great!
A: Yeah, I'm sure it will, but could you help me out here?
B: I mean, who would've thought this would lead to anything?
A: I know; it's great.  Now, could you please get out here and help?
B: Think about it.  This could be the start of the most brilliant enterprise...
A: It won't be if this gets screwed up; come on and pitch in!
B: Most people can only dream of something so big...
A: For the last time, quit dreaming and help us set this up!
B: I mean, I thought it would work--but not this well.
A: Damn it, we need your help--now!
B: It just goes to show you, a good idea can set you up for life!
A: Arrrrrrgh!!  Well, I hope you're satisfied; it's ruined now!

Questions: Who are A and B?  What is A trying to set up? What accomplishment is B so enthused about?  How does A's task become ruined by B's failure to help?

Responses:

...B is setting up a supremely and perfectly refreshingly Kool-Aid stand.  A is silly and jumps out the window, breaking the stand down. (Cyndi A.)

...A is fixing the car that B and he share.  (They're brothers or roommates.)  B is excited about his new business, when he can't get to because the car is ruined. (Laura W.)

...A and B are chefs.  A is trying to get a giant souffle into the oven, but unfortunately, B is terribly excited about having just entered the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes.  Due to B's incessant banter, the souffle falls quickly before it can be returned to the oven. (Neil S.)

Finishing the sentence LXXXIII

An unfinished sentence I wrote in February 1992 and its responses:

Indecision is most costly when...

...it becomes a decision. (Christina K.)

...the decision you have to make will impact others more than you. (Erica C.)

...you just can't know. (Jonathan B.)

...you've only got a little money, something really cool is on sale, and you choose to eat and not buy. (Chip C.)

...not being able to decide which way to look first when crossing the street, which makes you forget the idea altogether and causes you to get hit by a bus. (Miranda G.)

...(A) two good shows are on TV, and your brain explodes deciding what to watch; (B) Drew gives you one of these things to fill out, and it's spur o' the moment, and you can't think, so you write something really cliched, knowing everyone is going to read it and laugh, and you have no Wite-Out. (Jenni S.)

Finishing the sentence LXXXII

Here's an unfinished sentence I wrote, along with responses it elicited in March 1992:

Although it's unlikely to make a comeback, it's still fun to wax nostalgic about...

...the Rubik's Cube.  (I was one for Halloween one year.) (Jenni S.)

...the perfect '50s family...cookie-baking ma, hardworking pa, (and) smiling children, although this was a facade. (Karen W.)

...the natural resources, cultures, and people the strong have decimated.  Hope. (Colin S.)