Wouldn't say that now

A scene from 1989: I'm talking with a friend at our high school graduation party.

Me: So, you think you'll end up on a quiet dorm floor at college?
Friend: Yeah, I requested a quiet floor.  So, there's a good chance I'll either end up on the same floor you're on--or I'll decide to rush.
Me: A fraternity?  (look of mild disgust) I thought you were above that sort of thing.
Friend (starting to laugh:) Well, thanks.  That makes me feel great!

If someone told me such news today, I wouldn't respond so bluntly.  Years later, though, I still think those are odd, polar opposite alternatives.  It's kind of like saying, "I can't decide whether to become a monk or open a casino in Vegas."

"You have a wrong number. Goodbye."

It puzzles me when someone calls one of our accounts at work by accident, and instead of saying, "Sorry, I have the wrong number," the caller says, "Oh, well, what does your company do, then?"  I feel like responding, "What does it matter, if it's not the company you're looking for?  If you meant to order pizza, and you reach a hardware store instead, do you ask the proprietor of the hardware store to drop off some hammers?"

A linguistic irritant VII

Although it doesn't happen as often as it did decades ago, it still irks me when a journalist refers to a student as a pupil.  I always think, "That isn't wrong, but it's too archaic.  The pupil is part of the eye.  I've never heard any teacher or student refer to a student as a pupil."

Just refer to students as students, not pupils.

Simpler days of random syntax

In the early to mid '80s, every computer class or seminar I took, regardless of whether it lasted a day, week, or semester, began the same way.

"Everyone, go the cursor," the instructor would say.  "Type in some random letters and numbers, and press Enter.  What did you get?  'Syntax error.'  That's because the computer needs to understand the commands you type."

I still think all of those instructors read from the same book.

"I remember being happy when the photo was taken..."

I've joked with people for years that there have only been about five photos of myself that I really like.  So often, even when I remember feeling happy, I'm scowling or at least looking indifferent in photos.  Granted, smiling on command isn't always as easy as it sounds.  I like to believe, though, that various photographers inadvertently had their camera on the rage lens setting.  Not everyone knows about that setting, but I hear some cameras have it.

Extra credit? What does that mean?

Looking back on it, I remember most teachers who offered extra credit being suspiciously vague about what that meant--unless it was an extra credit question on a quiz.  Then, you knew you'd get one extra credit point.  In other cases, though, they'd usually just say, "You'll get extra credit," and leave it at that.  I always wanted to ask, "What does that mean?  Will I receive an extra five points for doing this assignment?  Ten points?  An extra A or 100% averaged in with my grade?  An extra one percent or two percent tacked on to my average for the quarter or semester?"  In the majority of my classes, I knew how my grade was determined.  The way extra credit factored into a grade was often mysterious, though, and I don't know why.

In memory of Mary Tyler Moore

I was very sorry to learn of Mary Tyler Moore's passing today.  For the last few hours, I've been watching various "Mary Tyler Moore Show" and "Dick Van Dyke Show" excerpts.  Three of my favorite memories involving Moore from those shows:

• An especially humorous episode of "The Dick Van Dyke Show," to me, is "All About Eavesdropping."  Van Dyke and Moore display great comedic synchronicity as Rob and Laura Petrie in the episode.  Laura's anger-fueled clues during the charades game with their neighbors, Jerry and Millie Helper, is hilarious, and Rob's correctly guessing a song title that doesn't look remotely obvious still elicits longer laughs from me than almost any other punchline.
• The first season "Mary Tyler Moore Show" episode, "Christmas And The Hard Luck Kid," is one of its most heartwarming.  It's easy to feel sad for Mary for having to work Christmas Day and then having Fred, a fellow WJM employee, guilt her into working Christmas Eve, as well.  The chemistry between Mary, Rhoda, and Phyllis is particularly strong in this episode, as well as the chemistry between Mary, Murray, Lou, and Ted.
• "Ted's Change Of Heart" is one of my "Mary Tyler Moore Show" seventh season favorites.  After WJM news anchor Ted Baxter suffers a heart attack, he starts to appreciate life more and vows to "treat every person like (he's) never going to see them again."  Ted's new attitude eventually rubs off on Mary, Murray, and Lou.  Lou spots a beautiful sunset through a WJM window and urges Mary, Murray, the station crew, and finally, Ted to view it with him.  When Ted reacts indifferently, Lou and Murray realize that their current euphoria will eventually wear off and become deflated.  Mary rallies them, reminding them, "...So it wears off.  That's no reason not to appreciate it when it's here."  With their spirits rejuvenated, the three of them rush back to watch the sunset, turning off the WJM newscast after hearing the day's depressing headlines.  The episode's final shot of Mary, Murray, and Lou staring out the window at the sunset is still one of the best pick-me-up endings of any sitcom I've seen.

I also watched the curtain call from the final "Mary Tyler Moore Show" episode.  Moore's enthusiastic, choked up proclamation, "The best cast ever," while introducing Ed Asner, Ted Knight, Gavin MacLeod, Betty White, Georgia Engel, Valerie Harper, and Cloris Leachman still moves me each time I see it.  Moore left this world with a lot of endearing, enduring performances, and I look forward to watching a lot of them in the days to come.

Outrage over nothing

During my one semester at a private school in fourth grade, I remember the vocal music teacher walking in and saying, "Good morning, class."  The class stood and replied, "Good morning, Sister." One student inadvertently said, "Good afternoon...I mean, Good morning."

The teacher was inexplicably incensed.

"Don't you know that it's morning?!" she bellowed.  "Maybe I should have you write out 50 times, 'Good morning, Sister,' until you know it's morning!"

Our homeroom teacher then returned to the room briefly.  The nun told her, "I told (the student) who started to say, 'Good afternoon,' to me that I ought to have him write out 'Good morning, Sister,' 50 times until he knows it's morning!"

Adding insult to injury, the homeroom teacher replied, "I think that would be a good idea, Sister."

I remember thinking, "Why are these two teachers getting so upset over nothing?  He made a minor mistake.  He corrected it!  Even if he hadn't corrected it, saying 'Good afternoon' inadvertently doesn't warrant outrage, and it certainly doesn't warrant a punishment."

I don't know whatever happened to the student who dared to say, "Good afternoon."  My guess is, though, that he still bristles at the memory of that too-easily-offended music teacher.

A linguistic irritant VI

Why do people insert "and" into a year?  The current year isn't 2000 and 17.  It's 2017.

I remember a talk show caller helping a host recall when various historical events happened.  It was considerate of her to share her knowledge, but I wondered why she kept drawing out the name of every year she mentioned.

"That happened in 1960 and 8," she said.  "That happened in 1970 and 2."

Leave the ands for identifying intersections, such as Fifth and Main Streets.

Right on...

I've never put bumper stickers, even ones I like, on my car.  I just can't bring myself to compromise my car's finish with a statement or slogan that will likely go out of date.  That said, I was pleased to see a truck in front of me today with a bumper sticker reading, "I'd rather be a worker with rights than have the 'right to work.'"

Although I don't like putting bumper stickers on my own car, it's reassuring to learn that you're in the same lane with a like-minded person.

On the mark

While watching coverage of the march in New York today, I saw many signs that expressed understandable concerns and frustrations.  My favorite: "Civil society deserves a civil president." Exactly...

A book I didn't order

Sometimes, a clean slate is exciting--the first day of an interesting new class or new job, the first page of a gripping novel you've been meaning to read, the first episode of a TV drama family or friends have recommended...Other times, however, a clean slate is irritating--the first day of a class you're only taking because it's required or a new job that pays well but whose subject matter doesn't interest you, the first page of a tedious book you're reading only because you'll fail the test on it if you don't read it, the first episode of a TV drama with a plot and characters who bore you, but you feel as though you'll be left with nothing to say around the water cooler if you don't at least glance at it...

...Today's clean slate feels to me--and many others, I suspect--like having to read a book whose subject matter puts you off and is downright alarming, at times.  You keep reading the book, however, because that's what an informed citizen does.  The ending of it has yet to be written--and you're not sure you even want to know how this story you never would have chosen will turn out...

Sometimes, the uncertainty of a clean slate is invigorating.  Today, however, it's unnerving, at best.

Getting a jump on the competition

When a grocery store opened down the street from its competitor, management at the grocery store that was there first must have told its workers to chat with the customers and steer them away from the competition.  One late night, a produce department worker who had never spoken to me before said, "We have a lot of apples to choose from.  These are especially good," she said, pointing to a $3.99-per-pound display.  "I went to (the new store down the street), and I was not impressed.  They don't have the variety that we do." 

After selecting some apples that were cheaper than the ones the produce worker suggested, I headed over to another aisle.  On the way there, the floor wax machine driver saw me and turned off the machine.  "Have you seen all the meats and cheeses we have now?" he asked.  "We now have (this type of meat and that type of cheese.)"

While walking through the candy aisle, I half-expected the bear on a package of Gummy Bears to come to life and say, "Welcome to the candy aisle!  Rowr!  Have you seen the expanded selection of gummy products we now have?  In addition to bears, we now have gummy worms, cats, dogs, snails, lampshades..."

I don't blame those workers or the store's management, though.  Making customers aware of all the products you have is a valid way of steering them away from the competition.

A linguistic irritant V

Often, when someone agrees with a point a message poster has made, (s)he responds with a post that says, "This."  Is it too much trouble to type, "I agree with this?"  Better yet, if the poster only wants to use one word for a response, why not use, "Yes," "Right," "Agreed," "Absolutely," or "Exactly?"  Why "This?"

A linguistic irritant IV

In the grand scheme of the world's problems, it's a petty annoyance.  Still...

...Why do so many people ask, "Do what?"  If you didn't hear or understand someone, why would you ask that, when it makes no sense linguistically?  Is it that difficult to say, "What was that again?" "Excuse me?" or "I beg your pardon?" are reasonable alternatives, as well.  I don't hear people use those alternatives as often as I used to, but they're still logical ways to respond to a statement you didn't understand.

Now, it's time for me to sit in a rocking chair and scowl...

Smiling excessively for the camera

It's unfortunate that the presence of a TV camera sometimes causes people to act goofy, for no good reason.  While watching a baseball game on TV in the '80s, the camera kept getting crowd shots in one section of the stadium.  A spectator in the crowd was standing up, beaming from ear to ear.  At first, I thought, "He's just being a ham for the camera."  When he was still standing there beaming an inning later, I thought, "That's going on a little long, but maybe, he just really wants to be on TV."  When he was still standing there with a fixed, maniacal grin one inning after that, I thought, "Did he just escape from an asylum?"

I doubt I'm the only viewer who wondered that.

When was the last time...

...you heard anyone shout, "Gadzooks!?"  I've seen that expression used in literature and comic strips from decades ago, but I've never heard anyone actually say it.  As archaic expressions go, it's one of the more amusing ones.  So is "Egad!"

"Ever saw a person in half? Anyone?"

"Have any of you ever levitated?"

--An odd non sequitur from one of my high school English teachers; I still have no idea what prompted that question.  I don't remember anyone answering it.

The storm is here! Quick! Make that French toast!

Just because an ice storm has started here, I've remained steadfast in my refusal to make French toast. As much I like the taste of French toast, I see no reason to buy mass quantities of bread and eggs, as people often do before a storm.  I've also resisted the urge to buy another snow shovel, as people sometimes do reflexively before a storm.  I guess I'm eccentric in keeping a snow shovel that has served me perfectly well for years.  To each, his or her own, I suppose.

Gloomy forecast, obvious reminder

While reading the forecast for ice in the area, I remembered a former co-worker's remarks about how TV stations often cover snow and ice storms.  "It's a good thing they remind you to shop for food ahead of time," he said sarcastically.  "Otherwise, I might go berserk and start eating the foam out of the living room sofa cushions."

Let's hope it doesn't come to that for anyone.

A vexing aspect of customer service work

I've always thought it must be challenging, to say the least, to have any type of customer service job in a store.  Usually, any job in which you have to interact with anyone who walks through the door isn't an easy one. 

A few years ago, a grocery store cashier told me he had to censor himself when dealing with a rude customer.  According to him, the customer said, "Oh, I forgot to get a 20-ounce Pepsi.  You!  Go get me one!" she snapped at him.

The cashier told me he kept thinking to himself, "Don't say what I'm thinking..."

A few weeks later, I noticed that he was no longer there.  I wonder if he told a customer what he was thinking or resigned before it came to that.

You'd think choosing a topic would be easy...

...but it's sometimes more difficult than it is when I'm choosing a topic for my other blog, musicandradiomusings.blogspot.com.  I compare it to shopping at a small grocery store or pharmacy instead of a large one.  I compare this blog to a big store because the parameters are so wide open, it's easy for my mind to stagnate.  My other blog, however, has a narrower focus, much like a small store.  There, I'm forced to zero in on a particular topic in a field that interests me a lot, so choosing something to write about there is sometimes easier.  Having an abundance of choices on a this blog is a blessing and a curse.  I never expect to run out of ideas, given how vast the premise of random musings is.  There will be times, however, when I stop in the middle of an aisle, metaphorically speaking.  Occasionally, when I'm shopping at Target, I have to remind myself to focus and not let the seemingly endless variety of choices overwhelm me.  This is one of those times.

A commercial best left unaired

During the '80s, I saw a commercial for a TV station's local news team.  A competing station had just replaced its entire on-air news staff.  The station whose staff hadn't changed recently patted itself on the back, saying that while other stations have changed personnel, "we're here to remind you that we're right where we've always been."  Even as a creature of habit, I thought that was a cheap shot.  Why is it necessary to remind viewers that everything is still the same at your station?

Talk about a product with staying power...

It's a cold day here, and my lips are chapped, so it's time to find the ChapStick.  Here it is...Let's see, vintage...1996, I think?  There.  That should hold me for another decade or so.

"Thank you for thanking me for my business."

The older I get, the more likely I am to return to a store where someone thanks me for my business and means it.  Given the choice between being appreciated and grunted at monosyllabically, there's no contest.

An OK six days of 2017

I said I wouldn't make predictions about 2017, but I'll make this sarcastic one: I would say, based on the way these first six days of the new year have gone for me, it will be a decent year. 

The context behind this prediction?  A former co-worker, usually during the first week of baseball season, would make the same recurring, sarcastic prediction when the Cardinals won.  He'd say, "Based on this one game, I would say they're going to the World Series."

There's nothing like tongue-in-cheek, self-aware tunnel vision.

A linguistic irritant III

I've never understood how people don't see that the expression, "We'll see if we can't do something for you," doesn't make sense.  Has anyone ever come back later and said, "OK, we can't do it?"

No C option? Make it a B, then.

Years ago, I conducted surveys over the phone.  One company required us to ask each caller to rate their satisfaction with a business by saying they were very dissatisfied, somewhat dissatisfied, somewhat satisfied, or very satisfied with their service.  I thought it was sneaky--and kind of smart--not to provide a middle option, such as neutral or neither satisfied nor dissatisfied.  When callers would say their level of satisfaction with the company was "in the middle," and I explained that the survey had no middle option, all but one caller then said they were somewhat satisfied.

It's interesting that the company bet that most callers would round up, so to speak.  This then gave them a higher overall satisfaction than they would have had otherwise.  Betting on human nature was a smart gamble, at least in the short term.  Their somewhat elevated ratings might have masked problems customers had with them, though, so I wonder if they're still in business.

Speech therapy, out of context

I've written on my other blog, musicandradiomusings.blogspot.com, about my battle with dysphonia.  Dysphonia is a central nervous system disorder that affects my ability to speak.  If you heard me speak at this moment, though, you'd never guess that I have it.  Thanks to regular botox injections in my vocal cords, I'm able to sound the way I did when I was a radio announcer.

One of my speech therapy exercises, designed to open up my throat and unlock my voice when it hadn't come back fully, involved pushing my voice as low as it could go and saying, "HMMMMMMMMMM, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5!"  One morning, as I practiced this several times between calls at work, someone came in to restock the vending machines.  For some reason, he left the room rather abruptly.  I wonder if he thought I was trying to prevent myself from exploding in a fit of rage--or auditioning for "Sesame Street," even though all the parts had been filled.  I guess I'll never know.

Sign of a long school year (or semester)

One sign clued me in that I was usually in for a long school year or semester--marks on the floor where desks should be aligned.  If I saw those on the first day of class, I thought, "There's something overly fussy about that.  This teacher probably isn't the biggest fan of free thinkers or students coloring outside the lines, even metaphorically."

Predictions for 2017? No.

Prediction-based articles are some of my least favorite pieces to read or write.  Admittedly, if they draw a big enough audience, it makes business sense to write them.  At the beginning of a new year, it's not unusual for publications to fill space with them.  I don't usually care for them, as they're just bits of conjecture based on the information people know at the moment.  Their shelf life is usually quite short, as a result. 

I remember interviewing coaches one year at a previous job for prognostications about their teams in the new season.  Not surprisingly, almost every coach predicted a winning season for his or her team, due to the talent and potential they claimed was on their roster.  (You hear coaches speak a lot about potential during such interviews, I learned.)  Occasionally, I'd interview a coach who would say, candidly, "We've lost a lot of experienced players, so we have to keep our expectations realistic.  This year, we're in rebuilding mode."  That's about as negative as coaches' predictions ever were during interviews. 

While it's human nature to want to believe that every team will play up to its potential and that a new year will be the best year ever, there's just no way to know that in advance.  Thus, I'm not reading any prediction-based articles today.  Instead, I'll read articles about things that actually happened.  Some of them will be depressing, but at least, they'll be realistic.