Luck and timing

Sometimes, your timing is perfect.  The right opportunity presents itself, and a new set of memories begins.  Sixteen years ago today, my parents adopted this wonderful brother-sister duo, Sammy and Rosie:

Everyone in our family has had the pleasure of looking after these cats since 2001.  If you're searching for your own equivalents of Sammy and Rosie, may you have the same great luck my parents did.

Finishing the sentence LXIII

Another one of my unfinished sentences, along with responses it received in Spring 1993:

The term "inexplicable" is best illustrated by...

...ME!!! (Amy H.)

...Einstein's theory of relativity (or my love life, or people who really like sauerkraut.) (Liz F.)

...one word: paper dog, doorknob wistful. (Michael M.)

...why people actually rioted in Florida when Barney The Dinosaur didn't show up for a guest appearance at some mall.  So much for "I love you...You love me," I guess.  Incidentally, why is Barney seen as cooler than Big Bird? (Jenni S.)

...the fact that Drew incessantly keeps this book circulating and still has yet to cease in his quest to achieve the most blatantly bizarre responses to some pretty kooky questions.  That is inexplicable. (Jeff B.)

Purposely vague dialogue department

In addition to the unfinished sentences I wrote, my creative writing notebook that I maintained during high school and college contained another occasional feature that I called Purposely Vague Dialogue Department.  I would write deliberately vague dialogue subject to interpretation and ask respondents to write what they thought was going on in the scene.  Here's one example from December 1991 and some responses it elicited:

A: Arrrrrgh!
B: What's wrong?
A: Those numbskulls did it again!
B: Did what?
A: That!  (points to the other end of the room)
B: I don't see the problem.
A: How could you not see it?
B: Well, I see a few minor flaws, but there's nothing seriously wrong with it...
A: It's not even close!
B: We can still make do with it.
A: Look at how impractical it is!
B: It's still usable...
A: You're kidding...We can't get any use out of this!
B: Well, it really doesn't matter.  It's just for our use.  We won't be entertaining friends with it...
A: But we still paid for it...We're entitled to better quality than this!
B: Well, maybe...I still think it'll serve us well, though.

Questions: Who are A and B?  What are they discussing?  What is the source of A's anger?  Why is B more passive about it than A?

Responses:

...A and B are husband and wife.  They are discussing a new piece of furniture they recently had delivered.  The husband is upset because he doesn't like the way it looks, but the wife is more rational and passive and sees no problem with the new piece of furniture. (Mike A.)

...A is premier filmmaker Martin Scorsese, and B is actor extraordinaire Robert De Niro.  Marty is angry about some special effects blood packets which burst too early.  Robbie is tired of shooting and is trying to salvage the scene so they won't have to do it over.  Marty's worried about going over budget, but Bob's trying to convince him that they can make the scene work. (Jonathan L.)

...A and B are cartoon mice.  They are discussing the new human family pet they had conspired to get.  They are experts at manipulating cats to do as they wish and therefore had put in an order for one.  However, to their disgruntled amazement, the new "helper" is a dog.  A cannot see how this situation could possibly work with such an animal, but B is much more optimistic. (Kristin M.)

Finishing the sentence LXII

This wasn't one of the more upbeat unfinished sentences I've written, but it elicited some interesting responses in September 1991:

The term "bureaucracy" conjures up vile images when...

...I realize how many people use it as a means of escaping personal responsibility. (Christina N.)

...I think of thousands of people with the pallor of oatmeal and taste of the same resisting any change to become any better than they absolutely must and throwing money that isn't theirs into a bottomless pit. (Colin S.)

...(envisioning) small men with worthless PhDs and blue suits with brown ties "misfiling" random tax returns in the circular file, all the while prancing around in a circle and singing "Alcatraz" with glee. (Miranda G.)

Finishing the sentence LXI

Another one of my unfinished sentences and responses it received in April 1992:

It would seem to be a problem that's easily solved, but the steps for solving it are deceptively complex.  This problem is...

...bringing up a grade in a class after bombing the first test. (Jonathan L.)

...moving out of the house. (Karen B.)

...(written with musical notes:) "Breaking up is hard to do..." (Jenni S.)

"Wanted: Principal. Duties include talking on the phone..."

My high school newspaper adviser made an accurate observation.

"Based on what you see in most high school yearbooks, you'd think that the principal never does anything except stay in his office and talk on the phone," Mr. H. said.  "That's because most yearbook photographers tell the principal they need a photo for the yearbook, and all too often, the principal says, 'Take a picture of me talking on the phone in my office.'"

He's right--or at least, he was when I was in high school.  He told his magazine journalism class that high school yearbook photographers should go beyond that.  He suggested taking photos of the principal speaking at an assembly, talking with students in the hallway, or interacting with faculty members.  He said, correctly, that a yearbook shouldn't just have one photo of the principal with a caption reading, "Principal Jones on the telephone."

Finishing the sentence LX

Another one of my unfinished sentences and responses it received in April 1992:

Predictability is most welcome (or unwelcome) when...

...(welcome when) you've never had cavities and never will. (Candice J.)

...(welcome when) you receive and envelope from a place you applied to.  The envelope is thick; you have the job. (James M.)

...(only welcome to me when) it provides a little stability to the more enjoyable unpredictability. (Paul H.)

...unwelcome when you know what you have to do, but the unexpected keeps pushing you back; welcome when it's the unexpected that actually thrusts you forward. (Karen B.)

Finishing the sentence LIX

Here's another one of my unfinished sentences and some responses it elicited in April 1992:

In refuting paranormal powers, magician James Randi writes, "At the risk of being unbearably realistic, I must tell you that Elvis is really dead, the sky is not falling, the earth is not flat, and the fault lies not in our stars, but in ourselves."  One event that Randi could have added to this list of misguided beliefs is...

...Life is, unfortunately, real and not one great cosmic joke/dream, so we have to deal with the realization that we're not suddenly going to wake up. (Jenni S.)

...There are no such things as miracles.
(or) Criticism promotes confidence. (Brian W.)

...No one has ever known the ingredients in a can of SPAM. (Paul I.)

Only in college III

While studying for a political science test with someone on my dorm floor, the term ad hoc came up during our review.

"What does 'ad hoc' mean?" the other student asked me.

"Offhand, I don't know," I replied.  "I've forgotten."

Suddenly lunging for my neck, the student shouted, "I need to know!"

I backed up, alarmed.

He started laughing. 

"You should have seen your face!" he exclaimed.  "I wasn't actually going to strangle you."

"Well, for a moment, it looked like you were!" I responded.

I left nothing to chance for the next study session. 

I knocked on the door.  The student answered.  Before he could say anything, I said, "Ad hoc--a committee set up to investigate a specific case, limited in scope, whose rulings aren't intended as a model for future rulings.  That said, let's study for the test..."

To his credit, he didn't attempt to strangle me again.

A linguistic irritant X

Why is it necessary to say, "I'm going to offer you not one, but two" of whatever you're offering?  No one says, "I'm going to give you not 325, but 326" of anything.

Just say you're offering two of whatever it is.

Finishing the sentence LVIII

This is an unfinished sentence I wrote and some responses it elicited in October 1988:

A bill which Congress should consider passing as a law is...

...Presidents and other elected officials serve only one term.  I feel this will get more things accomplished because they will be able to make wise choices that may be unpopular. (Jeff S.)

...one that would totally abolish any and all arms--nuclear, SDI, etc.; I know it's unrealistic, but wouldn't it be great? (Dani S.)

...instituting the death penalty for any politician who says the press is persecuting him. (John O.)

Deconstructing a cat toy

Understandably, cats sometimes prefer to play with toys on their own terms.  Other times, they might want to examine the mechanics of how a cat toy works.  Sammy and Rosie illustrate this in a photo from 2004:

If Rosie had spoken English, she might have told Sammy, "Now, I'll hold the cat toy, and then, you'll play with it."

Finishing the sentence LVII

Another unfinished sentence I wrote and responses it elicited in April 1989:

Per Robert Frost, "nothing gold can stay."  The most unfortunate example of this is...

...Alaska, before that fool crashed the Exxon boat into a rock. (Scott B.)

...the "gold" necklace I had that turned my neck green while it tarnished! (Stacy P.)

...at Thanksgiving, the cherry cheesecake.  Mmmmm!  Boy, do I miss it! (Shawn R.)

...kittens, tulips, red buds, fresh snow, peace, and perfect songs. (Betsy B.)

Finishing the sentence LVI

Here's an unfinished sentence I created in 1988, along with some of its responses:

The key to a stress-free life is...

...relief through a good skateboarding session. (Marci S.)

...constant listening to golf on the radio. (Jim M.)

...losing all forms of responsibility. (Mark W.)

...bubble bath or merely existing; a life without stress is not really a life. (Amy B.)

"Do your own work. How could you not?"

A scene from the late '80s: One of my advanced English classes was about to take an essay exam.  After the teacher passed out the exams, she said, as an afterthought, "Oh, and as usual, no cheating..."

A student sitting across from me, finding this remark as superfluous as I did, said to the rest of the class in a loud stage whisper, "Psst!  What's the role of chance in Othello?"

I responded, in an equally loud whisper, "The role of chance in Othello is exemplified by the following characters in these situations, which I will whisper inconspicuously!"

To her credit, the teacher accepted our ribbing with good humor.

Knew she'd do the right thing

Six years ago, as I walked past my cat, Sylvia, she asked, "Psst...Buddy...Want to buy a chair?"

This was out of character for her--attempting to sell me my own chair.  Fortunately, she snapped out of her momentary devious phase and decided not to sell the chair.  It's always reassuring to know that your cat has a strong moral compass.

Of course, it's possible that she just found the chair too comfy to sell.  Either way, she made the right decision in the end.

Only in college II

An early '90s conversation I had with another college student:

Student: I should be getting an A in that class, but I'm getting a C.

Me: Really?  So, you've done everything on the syllabus?

Student: Oh, I reject the syllabus.

Me: That's convenient.

"On second thought, let's not take an oath..."

Years ago, a former supervisor was frustrated with various issues in the office.  He gathered all of the full-time staff and said, "All of you, raise your right hands, and repeat after me..."  He then asked us to promise that we'd get the chaos in the office under control.  His intention was undermined, however, when we all started saying our own paraphrased versions of what he'd just asked us to repeat, with none of us speaking in unison.

I suppose that proved his point about the chaos.

Finishing the sentence LV

Among the unfinished sentences I created during high school and college, this is one of my favorites. Here's how people responded to it in May 1989:

If I could paint a picture of something that would linger in an observer's mind for years after seeing it, I would paint...

...the crucifixion of Jesus Christ--and the look on the people of today's faces. (Rebecca D.)

...a picture of a baby being born while the mother is dying, symbolizing the ironies (or cycle) of life. (Scott N.)

...a picture of people starving and dying because of the greed of rich and privileged classes. (Bill R.)

...the universe.  No one can comprehend our true insignificance in relation to the immensity of existence. (Josh M.)

...a black canvas with a white frame to symbolize whatever you would like--the end of the world, death, dreams, anything at all... (Melissa H.)

...a huge red dot on a white background.  They would all wonder what it means.  It would drive them crazy. (Marianne C.)

...a huge wave about to cover tacky stores, hotels, and pubs--my last nightmare when I was in Florida. (Kim L.)

...a closed mouth, because a closed one is less harmful than an open one. (Stephane S.)

Finishing the sentence LIV

Here's an unfinished sentence I wrote, along with responses it elicited in September 1988:

If given the chance to use a giant poster board in creating the ultimate origami figurine, I would construct...

...a giant bookmark. (Peter H.)

...a to-scale replica of Abraham Lincoln's boyhood home. (John H.)

...a miniature Gateway Arch, which would have tours every 15 minutes. (Julie F.)

...a vintage Ferrari, one that works perfectly. (Laura R.)

...a huge workable replica of a saxophone. (Shawn R.)

...a small child, maybe turned inside out. (Marcia W.)

"Conclusion: A beaker dropped on the floor breaks."

It amused me, early one school year, when one of my high school science teachers had to clarify how the conclusion of a lab report should read.

"A conclusion is supposed to state what the experiment proves," she said.  "You'd write, for instance, 'When this chemical combines with that chemical, such-and-such happens.'  You wouldn't write, 'This experiment was fun and educational.'"

You'd think it wouldn't be necessary to clarify such a thing, but...

A linguistic irritant IX

Admittedly, it's trivial.  Still, it's slightly irksome to hear or read sentences like these:

• If you have any questions, ask John, Mary, or myself.
• John, Mary, and myself will attend the conference.  

Just once, I'd like to hear anyone who speaks or writes that way to walk into a room and announce, deliberately incorrectly, "Myself am here!"

The proper phrasing:

• If you have any questions, ask John, Mary, or me.
• John, Mary, and I will attend the conference.

There.  The earth may now resume spinning on its axis.

Only in college

While talking about a paper I was writing for an English class in college, someone from my dorm floor asked me, "What's the grading scale in that class?"  I said the grading ranges were standard ones--90-100% for an A, 80-89% for a B, etc.

"Ah, the humanities," he replied.  "Where an A is actually an A, and a B is actually a B..."

He then explained how a passing grade in many of his classes could fall well below the standard 60%; sometimes, it might be 40 or even 30%.

That's not what you want to hear from an aspiring physician.

Finishing the sentence LI, LII & LIII

In 2014, I attended my 25th high school class reunion.  Over two enjoyable nights, I caught up with various notebook contributors in my class.  To mark the occasion, I created the following unfinished sentences and elicited these responses:

A quarter-century ago, I would not have imagined that...

...I would be riding motorcycles. (Marci S.)

...I'd be a Cubs fan. (Leigh M.)

...I would live in the sticks. (Sarah G.)

...I wouldn't need a 25-foot cord to talk on the phone. (Allison B.)

One bit of advice about school that holds up in any era is...

...Do your homework! (Mark R.)

...Step out of your box.  Experience life! (Tracey R.)

...Never be late to lunch. (Sarah G.)

...Find room for stamping your foot to music while still being an adult. (John H.)

One of the best consolations about reaching the middle of one's life is... 

...self-confidence. (Sarah G.)

...learning who you truly are and who truly is your friend--and growing and learning each day, one day at a time. (Julie R.)

...you have a better perspective on what really matters in life and what is a waste of time. (Annie R.)

...achieving success in many areas, yet knowing there are more successes in store. (Tracey R.)

...you have the wisdom of experiences past to live out the rest of your life, and you are much more laid back about the small stuff. (Leigh M.)

Finishing the sentence L

In June 1989, I graduated from high school.  During the evening of my graduation, I wrote an unfinished sentence specifically for the occasion and circulated it among the class of '89.  Here it is, along with some of its responses:

After a four-year tenure at this high school, the most positive thing I can say about the class of '89 and its diverse crew is...

...I loved it, and I'll miss it. (Kelley R.)

...Like it or not, for a secondary school, I really got a good education here. (Andrew B.)

...Skipping classes was never very difficult, and the ones I attended got easier from one year to the next. (Bill R.)

...This school has brought us together as one group.  We worked together, we fought together, we cried together, and now, we're going to share us with the world. (Julie F.)

...We may be different, but we share the same spirit, and we work well as one. (Jason M.)

...We all learned to respect each other and see each other for (our) real (selves.)  Too bad it was a little late, though! (Fran H.)

...that the class is so terrifically, totally diverse!  Although everyone doesn't completely accept everyone else, it is nice to know that there are still original individuals! (Marci S.)

...We learned to be truly happy...Have your friends by your side, and you can do anything you want to do.  Live by this! (Leigh M.)

...I am alive and kicking.  I found out I think, therefore, I am.  The world runs on numbers.  But seriously, I never met anyone I didn't like during the four years, but that could be because I never met Dick Cavett or the actor who looks like Dick Cavett. (Paul H.)

...Since I went to school here, I've got Missouri's 11 electoral votes in the bag for the 2024 presidential election. (John O.)

Finishing the sentence XLIX

An unfinished sentence I wrote and its responses from 1991:

Never rely on trial and error when...

...error is inevitable and improvement is impossible. (Cindy D.)

...monkeys are involved. (Jessica R.)

...the judge is named Guido, and the attorney is named Three-Fingered Eddie.  (Miranda G.)

"Why didn't the town crier alert the voters?"

Years ago, I went to vote in a local election.  For some reason, the election took place at a different polling place than usual.  While I imagine most voters took this in stride, at least one voter was irked. 

"Why is the polling place different this time?" a voter asked one of the polling place workers.  "Why, if I hadn't read the card you mailed about the change, I never would have known about it!"

"That's what the card is for," the worker replied evenly.

I'm still not sure what sort of notification the voter expected.

Don't let another cat deter you...

As Nemo demonstrates here, you don't want to let anything get in the way of stalking a cat toy.  Even another cat staring up at you won't deter you, if you're focused and determined enough.

2012: Some cats might find it distracting to see another pair of cat eyes staring up at them from the floor.  Not Nemo, though...

Finishing the sentence XLVIII

Here's another unfinished sentence I wrote and some responses it elicited in December 1988:

Illogic is best exemplified by...

...love, with few exceptions. (Fran H.)

...the teachings of adults, who by means of college, feel they hold the key to knowledge, yet they have no idea how to get (the key) off (of) the key chain and open the door for anyone else. (Chris E.)

...spending years learning the derivative of x-squared minus 2x and then not knowing how to change a tire. (John H.)

Contrasting forms of motivation

A newspaper that shared a building with a company where I worked used to post motivational sayings--about success beginning with a person's attitude and so forth--on a white board.  After several weeks of motivational sayings, the powers that be started using that white board instead for posting each salesperson's weekly revenue.  There's certainly a direct message behind that.  I think it can best be summed up as, "Attitude, schmatitude; the bottom line's what matters."