A linguistic irritant XXI

I know it happens more often on sitcoms than actual newscasts.  Still, it sounds slightly pretentious to me when TV newscasters say, "In this reporter's opinion..."  Although it's intended to convey professionalism, it sounds more natural to say, "Based on what I've seen, I think..."

A linguistic irritant XX

It amuses me when I read that the home team in a game will "entertain" the visiting team.  Although the usage of "entertain" isn't incorrect, why not just say that team B will play at team A's field?  Saying that one team will entertain the other makes it sound as though the home team will juggle and perform card tricks for its opponent.

All rise, please... II

...Court is now in session, with the honorable Judge Sammy presiding.  The brush is his gavel, and the cat toys convey his humanity as a dispenser of justice.

Truth in advertising? VIII

Phrasing I haven't seen on a coupon in at least 35 years: "Don't embarrass your grocer by using this coupon without making the required purchase."

That wording was always peculiar to me.  Did awkward scenarios with misused coupons used to play out all over America?  Did grocers used to say, "Wait a minute!  I gave you the discount it says on the coupon, but you didn't buy the two required boxes of Graham Cracker Sousaphones!  This is so mortifying?"

A linguistic irritant XIX

I've never cared much for the expression, "It has come to my attention..."  Typically, a teacher, principal, or work supervisor uses it when some (often petty) infraction of the rules has occurred, and the informant usually wants to remain anonymous.

My favorite example: Years ago, a former co-worker got tired of not being able to find a pen in the office.  One day, during lunch, he went to Walgreens, bought several packets of pens, and doled them out to everyone.  Upon hearing this, the person responsible for office supplies sent out an "It has come to my attention..." memo, reminding everyone that pens were (supposedly) available in the supply cabinet.  The fact that they were never available when the co-worker needed them went unacknowledged.  This co-worker told me he hung on to the memo for several years because the whole situation reminded him of  the comic strip, "Dilbert."

Truth in advertising? VII

A line from the realtor's ad for a former family home: "The classic foyer welcomes guests."

I remember how people would enter, and the foyer would call out, "Welcome!  If you think I'm welcoming, wait until you see the rest of the house!"

That's what you want in a foyer.

Truth in advertising? VI

At a museum in the early '90s, I saw an ad that showed how different society's perception of smoking cigarettes once was.  The magazine ad promoted a brand of cigarettes as "the doctor's choice" and had an illustration of doctors smoking.  I don't know when the ad ran, but it's certainly far removed, in chronology and attitude, from today.

Finishing the sentence CII

In a previous post, I listed responses this unfinished sentence received in the '90s.  Here are responses I received when I wrote it originally in September 1988:

A philosophy for all occasions is...

..."You can't please everybody, so you've got to please yourself." (Kristin K.)

..."To be great is to be misunderstood." (Ben H.)

..."Yes, and I have a dog!" (Julie F.)

Truth in advertising? V

As tasty as their food is, I'm always concerned when I hear the slogan, "Fortel's Pizza Den, where the ovens are always on."  I always think, "Leaving the ovens on around the clock?  Yikes!  I hope someone's supervising that."

A linguistic irritant XVIII

Recently, I read that a longtime morning DJ will move to afternoons on another radio station.  The announcement said he "ankled" his current station.

Ankled?  After 38 years in morning drive at the station?  Why not just say he's leaving one station to join another?  Why "ankled?"  That sounds overly malicious.

Purposely vague dialogue department VII

More deliberately ambiguous dialogue I wrote and some interpretations it elicited in February 1993:

A: That was, um...really something.
(B plops down nonchalantly into a chair.)
B: It was a hell of a performance, wasn't it?
A: Such as it was...
B: You didn't like it?
A: Um...Well, it was...interesting, I guess.
B: Interesting?!  It was brilliant!
A: Well...Maybe if you think taste is a relative term...
B: I know what I like.
A: You mean, you like what you know.
B: This was a lot different!
A: No, it wasn't!
B: It blew me away...
A: I give up...

Questions: Who are A and B?  What performance have they just seen?  Why was B impressed while A wasn't?

Responses:

...A is "Jim," and B is "John."  A chick just conned A, using feminine wiles, out of some money, then took off.  A is mad because he fell for it.  B is smarter than that. (Karen B.)

...A is my friend, Becky.  B is me.  We have just seen the latest "American Scream."  Becky has couth; therefore, she would not be impressed.  I have none. (Laura W.)

...These two people have just watched a prominent Republican deliver a speech.  A is nonplussed because he still takes politics very seriously.  B is so disillusioned that he now views politics as sport/theater and is impressed with this person's manipulative talents.  I know a lot of As and a lot of Bs, and of course, they're often the same people. (Michael M.)

A linguistic irritant XVII

Can we all agree that the way too many Americans use the word, "capisce," is rude, as it's often asked with hostility?  If you want to ask if someone understands what you've said, and you don't speak Italian ordinarily, why not just ask, "Do you have any questions?"  Why ask, "Capisce?"

"Instructions: To warm up soup, heat it."

Instructions I read on a soup can: "Heat and serve.  Please do not overcook." 

If the soup makers don't want me to overcook their product, how about specifying the amount of time it should be heated?

"No tacos? What kind of ice cream place is this?"

Years ago, I read a column in which the author took a restaurant to task for not satisfying her as a customer.  Her argument fell apart in the first paragraph, however, when she wrote about ordering a root beer float.  "Now, granted," she wrote, "it wasn't on the menu, but..."

It's fine to write in an online or print review, "A suggestion: Add root beer floats to your menu.  They're in keeping with your beverage options, and the demand is there for them."  It's not reasonable, however, to criticize a restaurant when you order something you know it doesn't have.

"Your total is $5.85." "But I haven't ordered yet."

Once, after handing me my food in the drive-through, the cashier said, "Welcome to Steak 'n Shake.  May I take your order?"  After a pause, she said, "Oh...Sorry.  Thank you for choosing Steak 'n Shake."

Considering how draining and robotic it is to repeat the same phrases to every customer, I'm surprised that only happened once.

Truth in advertising? IV

About 30 years ago, I saw a magazine ad with the slogan, "The Watergate--An uncommon hotel that knows you very well..."

I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought of the Watergate scandal of the '70s and mentally completed that slogan, "...possibly because the rooms are bugged?"

Only in college VI

When I was in college, one instructor was notorious for not using obvious transitions between topics in a list.  He'd call attention to the first item on the list by saying, "The first way to write a more effective article is..."  From then on, however, students had to listen closely. During the rest of the lecture, he'd say things like, "And that reminds of me another good concept to remember when writing an article...," or "That's not to be confused with the concept of such-and-such, which will also help your writing."  Fifteen minutes later, he might finally throw out another transition, such as, "Anyway, the fifth way to write a more effective article is..."

Students throughout the room would mumble.  Those who had drifted off into a half-nap, thinking they could just listen for key words when taking notes or didn't realize that the instructor's seeming asides were actually items on the list would say under their breath, "What happened to items two, three, and four?"

I'm surprised more teachers didn't use this technique.

Only in college V

On the first day of class, the instructor told us, in no uncertain terms, how he felt about phone calls.

"I have a phone in my office only because the department requires me to have one," he explained.  "You can call me, but I won't answer.  I just have a thing about disembodied voices.  If you need to talk with me, make the effort to walk over to my office."

The irony here?  The instructor's class was Models Of Communication.

Finishing the sentence CI

Usually, unfinished sentences I wrote that required short answers elicited a lot of responses.  Here's an example from February 1993:

I would feel strangely confident betting on a horse named...

...Harold. (Amy S.)

...Henry. (Lisa M.)

...Mello Yello. (Karen B.)

...Longevity And Strength. (Becky B.)

...Chicago Black Sox. (Jason P.)

...Lou From Kalamazoo. (Joe W.)

...No Name (if the race was in a desert) or Jennifer D. (Jennifer D.)

...Abstention or Shadowfax. (Anthony T.)

...Publishers Clearing House. (Liz F.)

...Faster Than Anything With Legs. (Randy R.)

...Being the horse racing fan-a-tic that I am, I'd like to offer four that would give me goosebumps: 1. L'il Secretariat, 2. Velocity Girl, 3. I'minlovewithagirlnamedMissy (can't miss!), 4. YeahRightWhatever, 5. (bonus) Indie Horse. (Michael M.)

Not just any day

While scheduling a dental checkup in 2002, the receptionist said to me, "OK, so your next appointment will be on September 11."  After a pause, she added, "That sounds strange to say, doesn't it?"

Yes, unfortunately.  Years later, it still does.

For perspective and a conclusion you can take to heart, however, watch Craig Ferguson's September 11, 2006 monologue from "The Late Late Show."  Ferguson's memory of where he was on 9/11/01 and the metaphor he uses from it present a perfect mix of fury over the attacks and defiant resolve that the attacks will not destroy what America represents.

A linguistic irritant XVI

Actually, I think this expression is more amusing than irritating.  It's funny to me when someone says, "Let's not make a big production of this."  Calling someone's fixation on a trivial offense a big production suggests that the scenery will give way to a panoramic vista and those irked by the minor error will come dancing in, singing at the top of their lungs, "WHY DID YOU FORGET TO MAKE THE COFFEE????!!!!"

Two more accurately phrased reactions, in my view: "Sorry, but I just made a minor mistake, as everyone does," or "My apologies, but I had a major project I had to complete on a tight deadline."

Strangely worded subbing

One night, in the '80s, I heard a TV news anchor say, "(Newscaster #1) has the night off.  (Newscaster #2) is sitting in her chair."

That was an odd way to say another newscaster was filling in.  It would have been funny if the substitute newscaster had taken the intro literally.  How often does a newscaster spend an entire broadcast just sitting in a chair without reporting any news?

A linguistic irritant XV

Although it's only a minor irritant, it's off-putting to me when someone says, "I found myself shaking (or tapping my toes, or drumming my fingers on the desk impatiently.)"  Admittedly, saying, "I found myself," isn't as grating to me as saying you proceeded to do something or took the liberty of doing it.  Still, why not just say you did whatever it was instead of saying you found yourself doing it?

Finishing the sentence C

An unfinished sentence I wrote and the responses it received in September 1988:

Few things ever go as planned, usually because...

...there are always people who were put in this world to totally throw askew any probable plan you might have. (Chris E.)

...when they do, it is an experience that does not stand out in your mind because you don't become impatient or angry at anyone.  Therefore, you don't recall it. (Mike B.)

...you're not supposed to make the plan because you don't have the control.  God controls it, so unless your plan matches God's, you're bummin'. (Leigh M.)

All rise, please...

...Court is now in session, with the honorable Judge Sylvia presiding.  She's a fair, compassionate arbiter of justice, who, as you can see, uses a tiger tail toy as her gavel.

"Say something positive about turtles, too..."

Once, before making a presentation to the boss's boss at a previous job, my supervisor pulled me aside and told me, "(My boss) likes the term, 'customer-oriented.'  So, if you could find a way to work that into your presentation, you'll catch her ear."

Although that was sound advice, the last-minute randomness of it amused me.  I half-expected him to follow up with, "Also, she recently sold her McDonald's stock and invested in Burger King.  So, if you could work the slogan, 'The Whopper beat the Big Mac,' into your presentation..."

Purposely vague dialogue department VI

From April 1992: More ambiguous dialogue I wrote and two respondents' interpretations:

A: Hmmm...
B: Something wrong?
A: Oh...No, not really.
B: You sound puzzled.
A: Me?  No, everything's fine.
B: If it's unclear, I could explain it again.
A: There's no problem.
B: Really?  Most people don't get it the first time around.
A: It's not that difficult...Really...
B: Well, if you're sure, then, I'll take off...
A: Fine...Thanks for offering to help.
B: OK, see you later.
A: Um...Hold on just a minute.
B: Need help?
A: Well...Yeah, I guess I do.
B: I'm not surprised.

Questions: Who are A and B?  What problem is A facing, and why is (s)he reluctant to accept B's help?  What task do most people not get the first time around?

Responses:
 
...Obviously, A is a freshman in his first comp. sci. class at Mizzou.  B is the instructor.  He (A) can't find the on switch. (Paul I.)

...A has just been selected to kill squirrels.  He has been informed that squirrels are actually immortal.  Since 1912, the government has been secretly selecting squirrel exterminators, like jury duty. (Jonathan B.)

Taking a mistake to heart

Once, during a previous job as a sports data gatherer, the score a coach reported didn't match the number of goals he submitted.  The coach apologized profusely for this.  "I'm sorry," he said, crestfallen.  After correcting the error, he said, "I am so sorry.  I'm terribly sorry."  "That's OK," I responded.  "Mistakes happen."  "But not to me!" he replied.

That coach called in his team's stats after every game, and that was the only time I remember him having to correct an error.  I have to respect anyone who cares so much about providing correct information that he apologizes repeatedly during the one time he reports a mistake.

Finishing the sentence XCVII, XCVIII & XCIX

Although I've posted a lot of unfinished sentences I've written, there are a few I've held off on posting.  Either I asked very few people to respond to them, or one answer towered over the others I received.  Here are three such examples:

From 1989: The most annoying example of overblown media hype is...

...(when) Voyager reports, "We've discovered...a rock!  The ramifications of it all!" (Steve F.)

From 1993: You know the comedian's act will elicit a collective groan of indifference when... 

...he insults everyone's mothers. (But how likely is that to happen?) (Liz F.)

From 1993: An unintentionally humorous public service announcement would read as follows...

..."Some people spread the Good News.  Others just spread." (Per Tava, "I saw this on a board in 1990 outside a country church.") (Tava S.)

A linguistic irritant XIV

I've always found the expression, "Pardon my French," when someone is about to swear or has just sworn, mildly irritating.  Why should French be a euphemism for profane language?  Why not just say, "Pardon my profanity?"